one person show

"she is the intuition, she is the far-seer, she is the deep listener, she is loyal heart. she encourages humans to remain multilingual; fluent in the languages of dreams, passion, and poetry. she whispers from night dreams, she leaves behind on the terrain of a woman's soul a coarse hair and muddy footprints. 

she is ideas, feelings, urges, and memory. she has been lost and half forgotten for a long, long time. she is the source, the light, the night, the dark, and the daybreak. she is the smell of good mud and the back leg of a fox. the birds which tell us secrets belong to her. she is the voice that says "this way, this way"

she is the one who thunders after injustice. she is the one who turns like a great wheel. she is the maker of cycles. she is the one we leave home for. she is the one we come home to. she is the mucky root of all women. she is the things that keep us going when we think we're done for. she is the incubator of raw little ideas and deals. she is the mind which thinks us, we are the thoughts that she thinks." - clarissa pinkola estés

photo by zach bresnick

where you going?

whats the rush? 

everyone is frantic to be with someone. 

to be someones something. 

never satisfied with yourself unless you have someone else to be satisfied with you.

never give yourself a break. rush rush rush. hurry and get a partner. 

what? before they are all gone? do we have a low abundance of people or something? 

are we running out of time? 

i didnt get the memo... 

yet somehow i seem to be just fine with that.

most days.

all my friends have boyfriends. i dont get how they do that. 

maybe i'm just totally ruined, or maybe im too picky, or just a huge bitch

or all three

but almost every guy i meet i'm like "ew nope" 

its a terrible tragedy. 

i want my space. my time. to bond with people who are important to me. to nurture my spirit, my soul, my friendships and my life. as hard as it has been for me for the past year. the last thing i care about is "keeping my eyes peeled" for some one who is supposed to make me happy or whatever. hasnt worked at all in my past. my last two boyfriends were the most horrible things that ever happened to me. its a bit hard for me to be optimistic when thinking about myself in another abusive situation. which, for some reason i feel is just what im destined to deal with. which is completely disgusting. but hey, i guess i did their future girlfriends a favor. lets hope if they have girlfriends they dont beat them down verbally, cheat on them, use them and abuse them. bastards. warning to girls: REVIEW THE FELLAS PAST RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE PROCEEDING. you might change your mind and save yourself some serious life. 

the only reason im venting about this is because its like... summer love season... its like everyones got that longing in their eyes. i just dont even give a shit. maybe im just being bitter because no one likes me. ever at all. im too damaged or something. at least i'm happy.

whatever

"good people and bad people cannot exist in any unison. therefore they must split. in doing so the lines are drawn and the truth is revealed about which of those people you are"

i'm glad i am the good person and my ex is with out a doubt the bad. 

i had to vent and get that off my chest. couldnt keep it to myself. i would have exploded. 

i just want to make it clear - i dont hate, dislike or resent anyone in a relationship. it really doesnt bother me at all. i just have this cool thing about me where i just dont care about stuff. really tho.

i need to leave this place... 

too bad i didnt throw a killer look in the right direction. 

after being in a relationship, we need time for ourselves. time of rest. extended time to heal. time for our souls to catch up to us after the whirlwind of heartbreak, anger, sadness and separation. our souls got disconnected. mine still hasnt made its way back, im trying to coax it back to me. id be afraid to come back after that storm. some people, however, i believe dont even have souls. and they will never be happy, feel love or be good. ever.

lying there she made a promise that one day she'd run and find just the man she was looking for 

well she fell in love with that son of a gun, but he was not the man she took him for. 

well he came to town, he came rambling in on a great cloud of dust carried by the wind, oh it wasn't long before he pulled her in and he asked her to come run away with him

he saw a pretty young girl who was ready to run, and she saw the chance she was looking for. 

they headed out west , driving into the sun, and he promised her she was the only one

well, he was a thief and he'd steal just for fun, he'd g cruising around with his little gun ... 

jack of all trades

song of the week ... i just adore this. 

im a jack of all trades

ive always known this about myself 

but hearing someone else say they know that about me 

was like, letting me know that the way i am is okay. 

i got myself a pocket moleskine . 

my therapist told me i should write more. 

for a few reasons. one being that i forget everything. 

so writing my thoughts down will help. 

and second, its my way of expression. of getting it "off my chest" . 

everyone has their own form of expression... art... verbal... writing... whatever. 

mine is personally writing. ive always had a way with words. 

and i do like photography too obviously, but i never knew i was good at it until it was my job for 2 years. 

but ive always known i was good with words. 

but damn it. here i go... rambling... 

im updating my ipod tonight. i got super sick of everything on mine so im freshening up a bit. i posted that nice little number up top that i am fully obsessed with. i just cant stop listening. i'l try to put up a song with each blog post. i dont know if anyone listens to the songs i post, but at least it'll make the blog a little more interesting right? 

i did indigo eye liner today... took a photo of it.

but i still wish i had my old nikon. maybe the next camera i get will be a nice canon or something. i think i want to try canon this time around. with a 50 1.4 .. of course. 

have a good night 

rattlesnakes

i have such a hard time writing lately.

i have no motivation to do anything.

besides sit in my bed and watch bad netflix . at least its distracting me until i get better. at least this is what i am telling myself.

i spend too much money. i always think of things i need for myself. 

"need" i convince myself of a lot of things... 

i'm supposed to be writing down three things that i am looking forward to in a day, and then three things i am grateful for at the end of the day. my therapist told me to... and i see her every wednesday, and so far i havent dont it once. i feel stupid. i forget everything all the time. i dont even know how to take that seriously. i dont look at the day ahead of me.. i just go minute by minute. so its hard to look forward to things. i dont know.

i just want to move to hawaii. but then again i really want to travel to europe and meet some spanish lad that will sweep me off my feet. or even better, one of those dashing middle eastern guys. i guess i have a thing for tall dark and handsome. how typical right. but the accents is what gets me. i heard a brasilian guy talking today and i couldnt believe how cool his accent was. i could listen to him read a phone book. 

im rambling
i do that so often.

i dont know what else to talk about besides myself and that is BORING. i'll get to a place where i can talk about other stuff. i just need some kind of push and motivation to even write these days. i think by now everyone already knows whats been going on with me and what happened to me. so i think you all can understand why i need motivation and why i want people to read my crap. it just makes me feel connected and relatable. 

am i relatable? 

i'd like to think i am. 

make over

lucky for me, my old pal Jade is going to give my poor sloppy blog a make over. 

which in the end, is lucky for everyone

because it will be much more visually appealing. 

and i am giving myself a make over too

in a lot of areas of my life. not just aesthetically, but spiritually too. my friend April has been an enormous help with my spirit growth. my friends Audra, Paris & Kylie have been incredibly helpful with ways to make my body feel & look better. gosh. i dont know where i'd be with out good friends. 

but dont worry, i wont look like this all the time 

only on certain nights , rare occasions. 

i save my nice stuff for being around the general public. i also don't generally like to show off my body in this type of way, but i've been working pretty hard to look like this so i feel alright about it. 

im either in scrubs (8-5 monday thru friday) 

or im wearing the most comfortable outfit possible because im just chillin doing whatever . 

so anyway 

i am trying to get back in the groove of writing a blog

i dont want to be all fragmented and go off on weird subjects and talk about dumb crap all the time

so bare with me. 

adios 

boring. dont even bother reading.

its so weird

that i don't know what to write about anymore.

i feel like im always complaining or whining about something. 

or im just droning on and on about useless things. 

like i am right now.

or im bragging and no one likes to read bragging. i have no creative outlet . the only creative thing i like to do is write. and i dont even do that. i hate writing in a journal. i feel like thats retarded. i dont want to re-read all my past boring stuff in a paper journal. where as here, i know that whatever im writing is meant to be read . because if i post something stupid then people will read it and that will be ridiculous. so i only post things that express myself in a way that other people can relate, discuss and applaud me on. or debate. 

but like seriously if you're coming here to debate with me, get a life. i dont even want to deal with that. i hate haters who lurk hard for conflict. 

plus i hate that i have to censor myself.

i cuss all the time. but i know when not to so i dont sound disgusting. but dang, i really could let loose on this blog. i don't know if it would come across the right way. but still. its the way i am and its the way i talk. i dont really have a problem with it at all either. 

but i think a lot of my family members read my stuff. so that would be awkward. 

ive been working out lately. i look pretty great. ive still gotta get my legs in better shape. but over all im satisfied with myself. im trying to get more self confidence and shit like that. i think it'll work good for me in the long run. im also eating better. i make bomb smoothies quite often . im basically a pro. i'll post my drinks later. thats for another time. i'll bombard your brain with beverage photos on a later day. 

work in progress. arent we all... 

so since im talking about me me me me me here is me: 

if i was a normal blogger these photos would be spaced out over time and wouldn't be posted at the same time like a vain, narcissistic, turd. but since im not im just throwing them at everyone all at once. because why not? its my blog and i'll do whatever the hell i want. 

the day i learned how terrible the front camera is.

my jimmy choo glasses

never put on a fake tattoo. 

they are horrible to get off. 

me showcasing a jacket thats for sale on my etsy

i decided against the hat later on 

girls night . pre-game

at the airport . wishing i could fly away & never come back. 

im incredibly restless
im ready to go


i dont ever ever ever want to look back into my past
its worthless. i don't care what you say.

im giving away all my things
and selling them . trying to keep up my etsy for some income
my optician job is driving me up the wall
im tired of working full time
i'd rather be with kids

i want to get married. i feel old.
i want to travel
i feel like im growing roots in a place i dont want to be rooted to
how do i acquire so much stuff?
how do i get rid of clothes when i love them all so much?
being almost 24 is hard.
i think im ready to sell my snowboard and boots
i really dont think i'll ever realistically use it.
any takers?


i sound so negative
and unhappy

oh maybe because i am right now
its a beautiful place i live in
surrounded by awesome people and great friends
but
i just cant shake this feeling of needing..// wanting to leave

so i will send you here: MY ETSY
in hopes of any interweb stragglers who have come across my page
and read my cry for help
to purchase things from my site
to go toward the "get me the hell out of here" fund


but
i need to upkeep this blog more
because it is a good way to look back on my life
even tho ... wait wait.
didnt i just say i dont want to look into my past?
god i cant keep up with myself



some one save me
(prince harry, im talkin to you)



completely ready to voyage to new places and try new things and get out and leave.

and totally warped, twisted, unreal and disconnected. 

how did i end up here? 

fanny pack find

sven design san francisco red leather fanny pack

im gonna bring the fanny pack back.

wait for it.