attack is the best defense

last night was karaoke.. it was fun to watch people. i am so socially out of it that all i did was watch people. i didn't do anything. i didn't even dress up cute. i mean i did stuff. i just didn't really hang like everyone else was. i couldn't drink a little bit because of my stomach. i didn't sing because.. just no. i did have fun tho. i saw an old friend from like 4 years ago. its so .. galvanizing. i'll use that word. when i saw him i couldnt even believe it was him and i just tuned everyone/thing out and was like whoa thats .. and i ran over and was like !!! WEIRD! and hugged and departed. and i saw another person there and i wanted so bad to jump up and say hi but i don't know him that well.. i'll mention that i saw him on tuesday. phone#. dibs. it was just so much STUFF last night. i haven't been out in so long. i feel old or something. i really forgot how much i love to be around people. i just forget how to be around them.. i hate it. i wish i didnt get like this.

we forgot cameras too. so there is no documentation of this night. sigh.



i bought two medical books at the thrift store today. one from 1950 called "the modern home physician" the pages/spine of the book smells like my granparents house in france. i like to smell the insides of pages in old books. such a warm smell, nice for me - strange for others i'm sure..





i'm just really way boring. i don't even know how i have friends. i used to be fun. i'm going to blame having the fun sucked out of me on someone that is past tense relation. that, and being worn out from life. i'm only 20 and i'm exhausted. i don't know what to do sometimes. i just want a really long vacation. i'm sort of excited for my utah trip coming up soon. i was more excited but now i'm not as much. its just not as fun as it used to be.




i am ready
for amazing things
to happen to me

i am wide open to luck
and sizzling beauty

i want to have magical powers
and treat people
with a kind of dignity
that changes
how they feel

about themselves

i want my luck to be viral

and to leave a trail of great things

i want all my interactions to transform me
at the molecular level

and all my anxieties to find a home
in the trash

i am ready