im just sayin .

______________________

all i want

is a guy with a beard who likes to travel 

and who loves me like nothing else

and a motorcycle 

and some cookies

to see roux one more time 

an anklet 

& to travel around the entire united states 

one day. 

i gotta start learning how to be positive

can someone teach me/? 

probably can't be taught. 

im just not happy lately. 

its hard. 

nothing is going right for me

so its hard to be "positive" or whatever... 

when its a giant mix of things that just suck. 

i need help. 

as in 

a pina colada 

a salmon meal

& a new pair of jeffery campbell heels 

and a hottub

heres to a change of attitude and 

hopefully better luck  - 

almost february .. sheesh

its been a while since ive posted a good old fashioned blog. i dont have much to say. been doin school work. going outside in the chilly but clear weather. just gettin by. looking for a job sorta. wishing i had a neat camera to take special effects photos. i'm really glad i sold my nikon. i just want a cheap camera of some sort. simple. mitch's droid broke so now i don't get to have it when he gets his iphone. (mad)

recently just viewed THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH courtesy of meg*clay* ... one of my new favorites. its wonderful. i still need to go to dinner with her. she's a friend. we also just connected the super nintendo and i have been watching mitch play mario land or something. i was laughing so much. "i got greedy" is what he said when he died once trying to get more coins. i couldn't stop laughing at that. i've also been havin a blast playing with our new iPad/

technology !

anyway

what is a good valentines day gift? a professional massage? a homemade surprise dinner? i just don't know how valentines day works. because i've never had a valentine before and i've never really ever celebrated this holiday with anyone. truth. i'm 22 and i've never before had a real valentine or even gotten a card or flowers or anything like that. weird. but thats my life and i think its more funny than sad . i'm really cool.

i came across a folder of photos this morning and so i wanted to post some up. i love them. and i can't wait for summer timmmmmmeeee. summerDAZE/ days / ways . love it . its so soon i feel but yet , dang. not really.

this is me .

at raph & kristens house

visiting their newborn baby Elouise

photo courtesy of Kristens phone taken by my handsome boyfriend

me & my boy tom hangin out

anouk up in the closet

i love it when he draws hearts with my name in them.

walked across this old railroad bridge

anouk in the vegetable garden.

anouk sleeping on my lap like a baby

california poppy

moving to sanfrancisco

what more do i say? i am serious.. i want to move there at the end of the year. which is a LONG time away but its just how things will work out. lucky for me one of my best friends meg lives in twinpeaks so i can go stay with her and visit as often as i like. its only 2 hour drive. easy.. and tempting. i love that city.. its so fun and i just adore it. here are just some quick photos from my weekend get-away with tayler &megan. more to come later on ..

you can go your whole life collecting days.

you can go your whole life collecting days.

& none will out weigh the one you wish you had back.

i am basically a confused daydreamer of a girl. & i don't know what to do next. my brain is being driven in a zigzag circle upside down backwards dance. i'm in limbo. nothing is satisfying.

i am so mad i got rid of this shirt + p.s. i need clothing help

because i really liked it. and i want to wear it the days. because i have nothing new in my wardrobe at all. i am an old boring worn out mess. i need to give my wardrobe an update. maybe next week. because tomorrow i am buying my camera (d300s) and a lens (50mmf/1.4) and a filter.. and a memory card.. so i'll be sorta down on the count for a second there. but next week i'll try to purchase some tank tops & a pair of pants and SOME SHOES i need some shoes. hey all you fashion lovers that i am blog following these days want to point me in the direction of some sweet sites that i can purchase some new threads and digs for not so much? but first know this: i don't wear the color red, i don't ever really wear tshirts, i don't "match", & i don't wear earrings even tho i have my ears double pierced. i also don't wear heels even tho i am only 5'2. because i go to college and i work therefore heels just don't mix at all. here is my style in various photos, so you can get the idea: i like vests. and arm bands. if you look closely in every photo of me i have a brown arm band on my left arm. its been there for 4 years, its hemp string. i have seen some people copy me with that & they give up because they knew they are lame for trying to be like me.. suckers. it's not a fashion statement really, it represents my big brother who is in the army. i put it on when he left. it'll probably stay on for the rest of my life. sometimes i put the big gold arm band over it tho. that thing ROCKS.

i wear 4 rings at all times - i dont need any new rings because these never come off.. but i like silver & gold. and i loooove gem stones.

i told you i dont match. thats me on the left. i don't really layer anymore. but i'm pretty relaxed when it comes to getting dressed as you can tell.

i don't have much rack, so i can wear whatever i want. i look so fake baked here but i'm not ,do armpits even tan? geeze. i like dark colors, i prefer wearing black. but i do LOVE color. just bursts of it.

i like bracelets. mostly cloth/string/maryroot. but i do wear metal. that one bracelet is a giraffe.

i also like gold, i just think gold makes you look cleaner with certain outfits. and more warm.

i look a little bit retard here in this photo but i mostly all of the time wear moccassins. i have those boots and my other two slip on mocs. that is my dilemma currently because mocs in wet weather = no good. so i'm on the prowl for some sort of shoes. i'm picky tho. i want some equestrian boots. soo sick. gosh i really don't have many photos of myself full body wearing what i wear. i guess i need to start. because i want to remember one day what i dressed like. i wear loose fitting clothing except my pants, only some. i'll publish more of what i wear so that everyone can see it, make fun of it, or dig it and compliment. either way i'm gonna be more interesting here in the blogosphere. now that i will have a camera so i'll post up good photos. and that i will be painting more so people can buy my work. i do custom.. bon nuit ~

vultures

so the other day i saw so many vultures on the side of the road so i had to pull over. i was standing among over 20 of them and it was just fascinating. so i went back again today and they were all still there eating and picking at the same dead buck. but today the bucks head and part of his torso were gone. the vultures fly away or sit on posts when i get out of the car. but today one of the vultures was posing for me with his wings out, he did for 2 minutes, and i managed to get a decent picture of it. it was really cool! i think my next painting will be vultures "dining". i wonder if anyone will want that painting. if they don't that's fine because at least i'll know how amazing it really is and the meaning it has to me. just being around that many and seeing that many. so awesome.

some new additions

to my room. my room is like a gathering spot for all things colorful and random. my room makes no sense yet it makes all the sense in the world. it is so peaceful and welcoming. it makes visitors drowsy. it also makes people curious, just about everyone glances around and wants to touch it all. i love my "stuff" so here are just a few additions -

#1 - metal rust colored branch hooks. i don't really know what they are for. but i found them at a thrift store and decided to hang my jewelry from them.
#2 mirror frames. i loved these alot. so i framed two photographs sam & i took on a nature hike. he took the photos, but i found the objects to take photos of. they look so pretty
#3 gold frame. and i framed a photograph sam & i took of salt lake city. it looks lovely in the frame.
#4 magazine holder with 2 new books. the magazine holder is from my moms estate she is liquidating. and the 2 books are: women before 10am & men before 10am too. really cool books - a check off my book list.


felt like showing off. i also have been making earrings. i think i might try to sell them. they are feather earrings and some have sharks teeth. check it out: (& all of the feathers i found in the yard, not store bought. same with sharks teeth - found them in florida with my grandma when i was a wee bonnie lass.)

NORTH CAROLINA

its beautiful here. love it. its so green and .. its like a rain forest. the house i am staying at is amazing & colorful. i will write more later. i get to use gregs d100.. so excited for that! he also has a d300 so i will get to hold it before i one of my own! yippee

here is a photo i got back from jake garn... Dr. Cassaundra Leconte N.D.
hehe

i REALLY want a white macbook. it would be so handy. i am sitting in joannas room being really lazy and wanting to go to the DI. joannas room mate has some (bad) music playing and the same song has replayed itself 3 times so far. so i'm taking that as a sign to go to the DI right now. but first here are some photos. me & paris.

camera phone photos - in love

anouk only a day or two after getting her. so little.
& she still does that to me.

me & presley on one of our days we had together
my little friend. i miss her

anouk wuvs me...

this is me.
when i went to the private airport & planes take off & land...
with an illegally picked california poppy in my hair.

san luis obispo

here i am .. in slo. i'm at kevin, adam & wades apartment on kevins mac. i've been taking photos of myself and laughing. jackie & tiffany are downtown. i didn't really feel like walking around in the cold. i'm a bummer, what can i say. oh well. tonight we might go bowling. oh yeah its RAINING here today. sucks. i wish it wasn't. tomorrow night we go back to santa cruz. that'll be nice. but really i can't wait to be home in my own bed with my kitten.. who i miss a lot. cal poly is a really pretty place.. i better go find tiffany and jackie.

attack is the best defense

last night was karaoke.. it was fun to watch people. i am so socially out of it that all i did was watch people. i didn't do anything. i didn't even dress up cute. i mean i did stuff. i just didn't really hang like everyone else was. i couldn't drink a little bit because of my stomach. i didn't sing because.. just no. i did have fun tho. i saw an old friend from like 4 years ago. its so .. galvanizing. i'll use that word. when i saw him i couldnt even believe it was him and i just tuned everyone/thing out and was like whoa thats .. and i ran over and was like !!! WEIRD! and hugged and departed. and i saw another person there and i wanted so bad to jump up and say hi but i don't know him that well.. i'll mention that i saw him on tuesday. phone#. dibs. it was just so much STUFF last night. i haven't been out in so long. i feel old or something. i really forgot how much i love to be around people. i just forget how to be around them.. i hate it. i wish i didnt get like this.

we forgot cameras too. so there is no documentation of this night. sigh.



i bought two medical books at the thrift store today. one from 1950 called "the modern home physician" the pages/spine of the book smells like my granparents house in france. i like to smell the insides of pages in old books. such a warm smell, nice for me - strange for others i'm sure..





i'm just really way boring. i don't even know how i have friends. i used to be fun. i'm going to blame having the fun sucked out of me on someone that is past tense relation. that, and being worn out from life. i'm only 20 and i'm exhausted. i don't know what to do sometimes. i just want a really long vacation. i'm sort of excited for my utah trip coming up soon. i was more excited but now i'm not as much. its just not as fun as it used to be.




i am ready
for amazing things
to happen to me

i am wide open to luck
and sizzling beauty

i want to have magical powers
and treat people
with a kind of dignity
that changes
how they feel

about themselves

i want my luck to be viral

and to leave a trail of great things

i want all my interactions to transform me
at the molecular level

and all my anxieties to find a home
in the trash

i am ready