i wish

i wish that

- i could fall asleep on a bed of moss

- people would listen to me

- things were a whole lot easier

- nevada didn't even exist

- i had a special chocolate shop near by

- i had a little bit more money for a little bit more clothes

- i owned my own mac book pro 13 inch

- my hair was longer & that my roots didn't show

- i had my tan back

- roux would stop meowing at me

- my car was a little bit bigger

- i could find a really awesome paying job

- i had an iphone (with out the bill)

- people would buy my earrings from etsy

- the weather was warm & sunny

- i could just disappear

- i could drink this whole bottle of wine with out making a face

- i had my own room

- i was born a unicorn

- god damn it

- that i wasn't falling down the rabbit hole

big Puffffffffff clouds.

went to the river on Friday... it was so nice. hot sun on my skin. cold river in my hair.

hangin with friends , laughin at funny stuff. finding lizards. searching for that one spot thats perfect to sit by the river. adventures....... summer is so close.

i cant wait for it be here. it means summer love. forever love is what i'm hoping for tho. but it also means warm skin. good times with good friends. long days and nights. smoothies &milkshakes and popsicles .
good beats and grooves to move to . i just cant wait.
it means vacations & get aways. i cant wait for my get away in June..... mmmmmmmmmm.

i just miss it.


last night i stopped by Jackies 80's party.... saw some good fun people. wish i could have stayed the whole time but i was damn tired from working all day and my feet were killin me. i got some funny pictures there anyways tho. super classy ...... red plastic cups with red champagne in them. we made a toast to "being classy". i was dancing the whole time to mJ & pat benatar etc. it was good. i had a scrunchie in my hair. it'll be interesting to see these pictures. oh lordy.


today im going to a car show on main street with Audra & Vanessa. i wanted to go to the river again but i probably wont because today is my sisters 17th birthday ---- weird!!! she's 17?? when the heck did this happen. shes the coolest sister ever, no one else has a cooler sister than i do. hands down no battle. you may think you have a cool sister... but thats just because you havent met mine.
she's a lot like me , but looks completely different than me. shes pretty hilarious too.

चंद्रमा / ในแสงจันทร์ /وقال إن القمر

i'm awake. i should be tired, i'm always tired. but for some reason i couldn't fall asleep.

my eyes flickered around when i closed my eyes.
my mind kept thinking of every possible thing that it could.
wouldn't just REST. and slow down.
i couldn't get comfortable. my stomach feels hungry.

the moon is 93% full, descending from a full moon back down to that sliver.. i really don't like this part. it makes my sleep all messed up. only when i take notice of it. which is ridiculous. but true. had i not been keeping track of the moon phase maybe this wouldn't be going on. but it is. and i don't know what to do. i've been reading. but i couldn't stay comfortable and the light was bugging me. tried a different book, i liked it but got tired of it because i wasn't in the mood for it.
so i got on the computer. this loud stupid humming beast.

i waste so much time on here. not as much as other people. but what else can i do. stuck here, no school work yet. work is slow. my creativity is dismal. my funds are exhausted. my friends are all so far away. i've got nothing! its just so ... limiting.

i've been drawing people lately. i've been practicing. i've never been good at drawing people. my drawings so far are just "okay". i'm trying to get better. i'm not brave enough to try to paint a human yet. i've only painted myself and sam. and sam was a failure and i need to just paint over that.. its hard tho. humans are very difficult for me to draw. i see other people draw people like its the easiest thing in the world. so lucky and talented. its hard to transfer my visions and ideas onto the paper or the canvas. so so hard.

lincoln and the countess of moray

gardening

friday i went to anthonys house around 10. we did some watercolors in the yard. we also looked and cooed at the 5 new baby kittens that JanKy birthed last week. so little soft and cute. we named two so far - mud shake & smoosh. i can't wait to hold them. then when tiffany came over at 12 we started to rake & weed the herb garden spot on the hill. we didn't get far but its progress nonetheless. we plan on fixing up the yard real nice this summer.

i went on an hour bike ride with my sister. our legs hurt very bad. but it was worth it and we want to keep doing it more often. i also sorta got some stuff done on an analytical paper i'm writing.. but eh.. its really getting me down..


oh i also let anouk outside.. she loves it. she just prowls arond the garden where i am working at and sniffs stuff and gets spooked when the wind blows leaves around. its really cute. she likes to explore. i put lots of new tunes on my ipod today. i'm still not done tho. just taking a break.

now i'm just ending the day in a not so great mood. just really frusterated with life and squirmy from discomfort. discomfort from not having a whole lot of control over things and wanting to just give up. really irritated at the things that bind me. never satisfyed with what i am or what i have. difficulty getting over things. no end in sight. people who continue to keep giving me advice can just stop because i've heard it and i know. i can say those same things and sound like i know what i'm talking about but that doesnt make what is being said something "that simple" to do. i just want to get everything over with. i want to get out of here. why can't i just win the lotto or something. why is money always the root..



falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus