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Sunday, June 26, 2011

what am i supposed to do?

lately , ive been really lost in my own life.
i don't know what i am supposed to do.
i'm only 22. but i feel like i should know by now.

i feel like i was meant for something really great.
meant to help people & be significant and looked up to.
but i have done nothing to accomplish that.
no one looks up to me. i have nothing to show for my life really.
i just get by on the minimal & i guess i just hope one day something will present itself to me.
but thats kind of a dumb way to live life.
because expecting things to happen, or hoping for things to happen ..
just means nothing will ever happen.

but i don't know how to do things. i don't know what to do.
i'm not really good at anything.
i don't have any schooling under my belt besides my Bachelors degree in Alternative Systems of Medicine & some of my Herb schooling.
but .


i just don't know.
my life isn't simple.
& i don't know where i'm headed
or where i'm supposed to be right now.


i have a list of things that have always held my interest

cooking
children
healing
culture
history
exploring
traveling
socializing
documentation
beauty
health
creation


however, i have yet to come up with some kind of life path to incorporate at least some of these things.
wait , i have yet to come up with a path that incorporates ANY of these things.
something to make a LIVING from.
something easy. i am a hard worker. but i dont want to have to feel like i am working hard at whatever i am doing. whatever i am to do in life needs to be something i enjoy and seems to come effortlessly.
is that asking too much?
i don't think so.
its my life
im the one who is going to be living it
and i think my standards are reasonable.

but i just ... don't know where to go.
what can i do?

i have no money to even begin with.
i have no inkling of where to even start.
what if i choose something & it turns out to be wrong?
then i have to start over..

i get discouraged so easily.



i wish i knew.


i am really interested in native americans too.
& stones & gems.
reading & writing.

ive been told i should write a book. by so many people.
but what could i write a book about?
i can't write fiction.
i strictly write truth.
but what could i write truthfully about?
it would have to be my own thoughts on things in life
advice maybe. ways to view situations. to view people.
i am so good at helping others
but i am absolutely horrible at helping myself.
& excepting help is another thing i am not so good at .



summer time really opens my mind
good & bad thing
because here i am now
festering in my own thoughts.
about what the hell i'm supposed to do
where i'm supposed to go
who i'm supposed to help
when i'm supposed to do it all
why i'm so stuck & lost


does anyone feel this way?
because i look "around" & i see that everyone seems so content.
no one seems THAT restless -
no one seems too worried about the future
i don't want to be in the same place i am now
just getting by on a normal average life
because thats not what i'm here for.



does anyone read this?
this is one of those posts that i hope a lot of people respond to
because i actually need some kind of help
or at least a thought on the matter.
some "wisdom" . some insight
anything. i don't care who you are
because i think everyone has something great to say
so maybe you could say it to me
and make my whole day
or , in this case
my whole life




6 comments:

Me(g[an]) said...

you might want to look into volunteering abroad. It really helped me gain perspectives on life back here. Try volunteerhq.org, they're definitely the cheapest. Also, it couldn't hurt to go back to community college. You never know, maybe one of your GE classes will completely catch your interest and make you want to know more about it. I think you'd make a perfect nurse!! Haha, they have to love science and helping others. Other professions you might like are social worker, marriage/family therapist, counselor, teacher, etc.

ashley said...

Cass, I am right there with ya. I am so completely lost in what I want or should be doing. I have a great "just for now" job that I cant imagine leaving to go back to waiting tables. At least you have a BA in something too. I dont even have that, nor any idea of what I want to get a BA in. I want you to know that a lot of folks are lost, and I think those who were born knowing what they wanted out of life are both few and very lucky. I hope things work out for us, and something really does strike our fancy. But in the mean time, just keep learning and loving and the paths will lead you to a career, if you want it.

Best of luck!

xoxo

lovely lindsay said...

your answer showed up at my house:
http://bit.ly/isnrv9
+++
just keep truckin'
love, lindsay

michelle said...

im in the same boat. it freaks me out.

Annie said...

I read your stuff Cassie. I am twice your age and still waiting for a sign as to what I am supposed to do with my life. So I say don't wait. Try something on and if it doesn't fit try again and again and again.

Sally said...

oh my darling grand daughter!!! i would love to talk with you about life etc, but thats up to you. i feel so badly about how you are viewing life at this moment. do not waste your good years worrying about what you will be, or what you will accomplish, as you r right that thinking about it is not going to get it done. everyone wishes they could find the work that would not seem like work, that would seem like fun and make you happy everyday.( and make you money) All these people that seem so content to you are maybe not as happy as they seem. you do not know their problems or thoughts. i have found over the years that when you find the truth about most people it is not what you see. to write truth you have to really be able to know yourself and be very truthful about who you think you are, against who you really are.. that is hard to do as we have a false picture of ourselves , as we wish we were who we think we are, but it isn't always true, who we think we are. that is a big shock, when you have this picture of yourself and no one else sees you that way. and it takes more than soul searching to really admit , or see who you are. does it really matter?? not so much! because it is what it is and you must just try to find a place where you are fairly content and go from there. you need to put first things first. get a job that is mediocre (if you can't find the perfect one right now), and start supporting yourself so that you can find the love for yourself and the respect that you want for yourself from yourself. what i hear your blog saying is that you do not really like yourself right now, but you know that you need to make yourself proud. Sooo start forward and make it happen!!! do not just sit and wait, cause it usually does not happen that way. stay away from depressed situations. remember what you see on peoples outside is not always what is on their insides, so do not envy them, find your own way. this is too long i know, but i have so much to say and am trying to shorten it. anger is a waste, hatred is a waste, depression is a waste, winning an arguement is a waste, it all counts for nothing in the end. as who cares except you!!! when you look at it all from this end of life it is different. I am not saying you can control anger, hatred, and depression, because sometimes you can't. get a journal and write 5 things everyday that you are thankful for. it makes you think. sometimes it is just that someone smiled at you that makes you thankful.. your health is a wonderful thing to be thankful for. the blue sky that you can see , the stars, the moon, a roof over your head, shoes on your feet, painted toenails teehee. I think i digress , but like you i am full of thoughts and longings and simplicity, and love. i now have most of these, but hopefully you will not have to wait as long as i did. i will now shut up and probably should not even publish this for all to see, but know no other way.