Saturday, January 18, 2014

drink? smoke? what?

I've said this a few times today, oddly: "Quantum Physics at its finest" ---
I honestly love quantum physics. It's an intense thing I have somehow managed to learn and understand. Its an absolutely beautiful concept and actuality. I don't know if i make sense or am being grammatically correct. I don't actually care. 

Today my fantastic brilliant friend Adrianna randomly started to talk to me about how she is lucky and fortunate enough to not have been addicted to anything in her life. and how she understands how it's "fucking scary", "helpless", and "i can't even imagine" ... I am right there with her, I agree with what she said. but, oddly enough after having this conversation with her, I had a completely separate discussion with my old friend Jackie about our old (young) drinking days. Maybe its embarrassing for my parents that I was a slight problem child, I lived life defying what was expected and always tested what I could get away with - but its part of my life story, so what can I say. It happened. 

We always pushed the limit and played with fire. We constantly tested what we could do and experience. It was hilarious, intense and a gamble. We had each other and we took hundreds of photos. That's off track of where I was going with this.  Jackie and I started to talk about how LUCKY we were to have started to mess around with alcohol at an early age. A lot of people think that if you mess around with substance early that you're doomed. which may or may not be true. If you use me as an example, its not the shiniest one you can find, but over all....... we came to the conclusion that it's BETTER. because you get all the mayhem and bullshit out of your system. you get the sneaky, shifty, embarrassing habits and tendencies taken care of. People don't hold you accountable for your actions as much as they do when you are older.

You might make a few mistakes and over do it in your adult years, but whatever. At least you aren't cutting lose and getting completely stupid while you are an actual functional adult in society.
We figured that we have our wits, charm and sensibilities all because we did our stupid things, while we were stupid kids. and now we have a handle on ourselves. We have never been addicted in our lives to anything. Maybe its just luck that we were never addicted to anything, who knows. But I feel pretty glad that I was wild and crazy in my younger years rather than being a mess in my adult years. We can look back and laugh at our hilarious stories over a glass of wine.

Its something to think about.
who knows....

Sunday, January 12, 2014

a life of photos

i used to love taking photos. i did it to remember my life. i did it for no other reason. i simply wanted to capture the moments that were happening around me. i'd use my moms old film camera, nothing special. just click, keep clicking until the roll was done, drop it off, wait anxiously and then pick up the images and laugh with my friends. thats all it was. i took photos of so many things. 

i became immersed in a quickly advancing photographic world. started to "model", to see if i could actually do it. to see if my own face would get attention. somehow it did, or maybe it was something else. i don't know. i quickly learned how to be in front of the camera. i leaned my angles. 

a time came when i was the subject of most of my boyfriends images, he was always testing things out, doing cool experiments and we would have so much fun. light painting, making our own wide angles, using whatever we had to create a curious result. jumping around, throwing things, night time, capturing everyday life. it was so basic and fun. we always had fun. the images he would get of me, they were so raw and regular. we always had a camera. 

we moved on from each other. i somehow stumbled upon an assistant job. a photographers assistant. i quickly learned lighting and positions. i absorbed everything she told me, taught me and showed me. i tried my hardest to make all the information make sense. i played around with her equipment when she let me. i learned to see things the way she did. i admired her outcome and result. the images she takes still floor me whenever i see them. 

i finally got my own camera. a nikon d300s. with a 50mm l.4 - it was the most fun i'd had with a camera. i experimented on everything, i had no idea what i was doing. the math of a camera has always evaded my understanding. i just kept pressing buttons and memorizing strange numbers. i played with light more than i had ever before. i tested what i could create with my friends. i took photos of nearly everything. 

then, i found myself quickly in love. with a guy who made a living taking photos. master of editing. master of perfecting images. i was rarely in front of his lens, from what i can remember. here and there, maybe. or maybe i just erased those memories. we weren't creative. there was nothing to play with, experiments never happened. i didn't need my camera, it seemed. i sold it. i didn't take a photo for years. i didn't miss it. i didn't care. 

i picked it back up lightly when i got my first iPhone. i started to play again. to see what i forgot to look at. the things i saw that i could share. i realized how much i see, how many places i go, how many people i know. i'm not the best, i don't know what i am doing. i never know if people who talk to me, or now know me know me because of my photos or because of my character. is it me? or is it what i produce? i have no idea how to figure that out. sometimes, they go hand in hand. so many of the new friends i've made over the past 3 years have been because of their photos. their photos are SO good that i simply NEED to know them. i want to be around their energy and breath in their atmosphere. i often wonder how they come up with the things they do. how they hook others. 

i bought another camera. a nikon d700. a full frame. with the stock lens. that stock lens really makes me writhe. i should feel glad that i even have a lens. but... i want an 85mm 1.4 so bad. i keep holding onto the idea that maybe if i had it, i would use my camera more. i don't have the funds to even consider getting one. i see others using their cameras and love what they produce. yet, i don't use mine. i hate that i can't let myself have fun with it anymore. how do i just start having fun again? who knew it would be so hard.

Thursday, January 9, 2014


this isn't going as well as i had hoped. blogging again.

bought my first lipstick. its called "whimsy", which is great. the name alone is enough. the color makes my green eyes pop and i feel like i'm ready.

i serve my cat her water in fancy tea cups. she prefers it.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

i want bbq albacore. 
but i don't want to spend my dollars. 
this is the dilemma i face in my day to day life. 
i suppose i should be a bit happy, that the only thing i worry about is how i should spend my money.
but thats not how the human mind works.

i was thinking of selling my kayak. but then realized that it would be stupid to do that. because if i want to go out on a lake, i will need that. plus, its my own boat. i have my very own kayak that i get to float around in. if only there was enough water in any of the lakes to go drift on. but, there is not. the lack of storm and over all weather has been depressing. 
normally its lack of sun that gets people depressed. this lack of rain, wind, snow, cold and fog has been slowly killing me, i swear it. it has been out of balance and wrong. my rain dances have gone unnoticed by mother nature and i keep doing them in vain. 

a nice handsome boy told me he would dance with me, maybe thats what needs to happen. i have to go dance with him. lord knows i need a good dance with a fella. that would be awfully fun.

well, i decided to spend my dollars and get sushi. 
so there.