Sunday, May 27, 2012

ethereal ~*

had a little fun today for a minute
we had to take care of some business and then on the way back we decided the weather and scenery was too perfect to pass up so we pulled over and got creative. i really love making ethereal photos. but realistic kinds... playing with common occurrences and warping them into something that seems magic.

tomorrow my dodgeball fantasy comes to life.... the game is really happening! be there at 6 - lyons park. bring your game face. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

jack of all trades

song of the week ... i just adore this. 

im a jack of all trades
ive always known this about myself 
but hearing someone else say they know that about me 
was like, letting me know that the way i am is okay. 

i got myself a pocket moleskine . 
my therapist told me i should write more. 
for a few reasons. one being that i forget everything. 
so writing my thoughts down will help. 
and second, its my way of expression. of getting it "off my chest" . 
everyone has their own form of expression... art... verbal... writing... whatever. 
mine is personally writing. ive always had a way with words. 
and i do like photography too obviously, but i never knew i was good at it until it was my job for 2 years. 
but ive always known i was good with words. 

but damn it. here i go... rambling... 

im updating my ipod tonight. i got super sick of everything on mine so im freshening up a bit. i posted that nice little number up top that i am fully obsessed with. i just cant stop listening. i'l try to put up a song with each blog post. i dont know if anyone listens to the songs i post, but at least it'll make the blog a little more interesting right? 

i did indigo eye liner today... took a photo of it.

but i still wish i had my old nikon. maybe the next camera i get will be a nice canon or something. i think i want to try canon this time around. with a 50 1.4 .. of course. 

have a good night 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

oh hey

i was so close to going to bed just now
but then i remembered i need to write more. 
for a few reasons. 

i sort of forgot what i was going to say.
but i remember one thing.

 everyone wants something else. everyone wishes they looked the way another person did. or had something someone else has. or wishes they could change something about themselves easier. i dont care if you lie and say "no i like everything about myself" or whatever bullshit spews from your mouth on this particular subject. because i'll know you're lying. its human nature. it just is. i swear it. i'll find some kind of specialist just to prove it. 

discipline. self acceptance. benevolence... and all those of things... we need those things, but damn its hard to get those. especially with all this social media and networking and constant overload of photos. im soooo guilty in participating in it. but hey, its 2012. whatevs. its hard for me not to sometimes hate the way i look after i see a girl with a really good looking body, or who is taking the time and effort to eat really well, or who -seems- comfortable in her own skin. it just makes me wonder what the hell im missing. 

personally, i have almost zero discipline. i eat in 5 minutes like its going to be taken away from me forever. i have a gym membership but i get lazy and think of a million reasons to ditch. i put off doing things i know i need to do because id rather sleep or something. i honestly i have no clue how to gain discipline. plus i know that i am the worst at being almost 100% unresponsive to threats, comments or 'encouragement' to do things to better myself. i'm super good at avoiding things. 

and self acceptance. ha wow. yeah that is not fully happening for me. i must be doing something waaaay wrong. maybe its the above statement i just made that contributes to this. i think the rust just came off the wheels in my mind on this particular subject. i can sort of feel them turning and figuring it out a little bit. hm. but still. hard to do. 

and benevolence. i dont really know how i can get over 'envying' girls with better things than me. i mean, i dont actually envy them at all, i just dont have a better word for it. envy and jealousy are not feelings i am familiar with really. however, i do get down on myself when i see a girl with a lucky set of attributes that i completely lack. so its not really envy... its just self pity and crap. total nonsense - i know. POOR ME. im soooo unworthy... 

but sometimes , everyonce in a while, something about myself satisfies me for a minute. and i realize for a brief flicker in my life that i am not half bad and that i could look like a wreck. more of a wreck than normal that is. like today i did some neat eye make up and i was completely stoked on the photo that i took of myself. i was like WHAT how did i manage that and how did i not know that my eye ball looked that good today.  here is a photo: 

it made me feel good about myself. its kind of like a really pathetic way of validating myself. because most of the time i feel like i look really haggard, unkempt and unhealthy. ::: confessions of a 23 , almost 24 year old optician. ::: i dont consider myself 'pretty' when i see all these really pretty girls all around me. and then i pass myself in the mirror and its like good lord how i have not gotten beat up yet. i dont think i'm a total loss, but i think i'm acceptable. am i being vain? me me me me me. I I I I I . i sound like such a chick right now. i gotta stop. 

so i think i probably loose like half of my readers when i post incredibly long blog posts. i'm not really sure. i always feel like im rambling. it try to keep it interesting. i was thinking of stopping right now. but i still have stuff to say. so you'll just have to deal with it. 
i'm craving rice lately. 
i recently had probably the best meal ive ever had ever. 
its called the righteous rice bowl and its from cosmic cafe downtown hangtown. best choice i ever made ... (second to my choice of peanut butter panda puffs with vanilla coconut milk, NOM) . 
basically what it is is this: brown basmati rice, balsamic beans, sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cheese & avocado. -- it also comes with salsa, cilantro & cilantro sour cream , but i hate cilantro & salsa is like a hit and miss thing for me -- so basically its healthy, filling, delicious and nutritious. 

i hope your mouth is watering. i am so excited to go to work 
tomorrow so i can eat my left overs for lunch. for real. 

AND lastly, i saw that once in a life time solar eclipse. and it was probably the weirdest experience ever. mostly because i was thinking about it pretty deep and i also felt super strange when it happened. i felt really funky. must be something to it. i'll research it later. but i was also just thinking about how badass it is that all i had to do was look up and have some ghetto rigged devices to view it and bam, history was witnessed by me. i did drive up to tahoe and hit up east shore for the event , just to make it extra special. but really i could have stayed home and checked it out all the same. its just cool to me how this happened where i could see it. i think only oregon, california, the southern parts of nevada, utah, northern arizona and new mexico and then parts of texas could see it . oh and some of china and all of japan. thats like, a lot of other places that didnt get to see it. so it was really , miraculous. i went up with one of my best friends brooke. it was such a great time. here we are , and here is the views we came across.... after these photos i am signing off and checking out until next time. thanks for reading. oh and if you made it this far, you are allowed to comment. you dont need an account to comment. just sign your name so i dont get a billion anonymous comments. it makes me think to hard and i cant deal with that. 
the ring of fire on my hand

me in the forest 

brooke and i viewing the eclipse. 
we had polarized sunglasses on too

brooke and i in the woods

brooke on the beach

my trusty car in the woods

the most beautiful scene to lay my eyes on before heading up

Monday, May 14, 2012


i have such a hard time writing lately.
i have no motivation to do anything.
besides sit in my bed and watch bad netflix . at least its distracting me until i get better. at least this is what i am telling myself.

i spend too much money. i always think of things i need for myself. 
"need" i convince myself of a lot of things... 

i'm supposed to be writing down three things that i am looking forward to in a day, and then three things i am grateful for at the end of the day. my therapist told me to... and i see her every wednesday, and so far i havent dont it once. i feel stupid. i forget everything all the time. i dont even know how to take that seriously. i dont look at the day ahead of me.. i just go minute by minute. so its hard to look forward to things. i dont know.

i just want to move to hawaii. but then again i really want to travel to europe and meet some spanish lad that will sweep me off my feet. or even better, one of those dashing middle eastern guys. i guess i have a thing for tall dark and handsome. how typical right. but the accents is what gets me. i heard a brasilian guy talking today and i couldnt believe how cool his accent was. i could listen to him read a phone book. 

im rambling
i do that so often.

i dont know what else to talk about besides myself and that is BORING. i'll get to a place where i can talk about other stuff. i just need some kind of push and motivation to even write these days. i think by now everyone already knows whats been going on with me and what happened to me. so i think you all can understand why i need motivation and why i want people to read my crap. it just makes me feel connected and relatable. 
am i relatable? 
i'd like to think i am. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

from my nikon n2020 film camera

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

i guess that crystals are beneath me...

seriously loosing my mind again.
i dont really even know what im looking for or expecting.

i just want what i want.
its that simple.
i want to travel. i want to live in hawaii. i want to learn spanish.
and french. i want to loose weight. i want longer hair. i want friends.
i want to sell everything. i want to watch movies. i want go to sleep.

but for some reason , all of the above... seems impossible.

traveling? HAHA. sure cassie. with what money and what time?

hawaii? yeah okay. see above

spanish? french? when the hell do you think you'll have time to learn it, let alone REMEMBER IT.

loose weight? yeah then stop eating. what? jesus christ.

longer hair. unattainable. ive been trying. and its not getting long like it used to be

friends? how can i have friends when everyone in this god for saken town is set on hating me and excluding me and ignoring me ? i dont get what i did. i just dont understand anything.

sell everything.. who wants junk? anyone? anyone? bueller?

watch movies. time? whats that?

sleep? you have too much to do. but what do you have to show for it?

someone please help me.
or wait dont.
everyone who tries to help me wants something in return. or something. i dont know.
maybe just leave me alone and stop being mean to me.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

cinco de mayo in SF

tiffany, myself & brooke on our way to dolores park for cinco de mayo
i missed the memo to stick my tongue out ... i guess doing that is all the rage. 
head wear by my girl maddie @ chainrush on etsy
showing my hula skills at the park . my pal laura so finely captured me in motion.
i think its the first real photo of me doing hula well. 
oh just a typical shot i have to get each time i enter the city. 
bay bridge thru maui jim rose polarized glasses with sun flare 
*not supermoon - laura
i tried the tongue thing for the photo because tiffany is my most wild friend
so i tried to be wild like her. but she pulled a normal face. hahaha
laura, me and tiffany. i had my eyes closed so i wouldnt squint 

basically had a fun time. just chilled out . 
rolled into the bay around like 2 it seems. tried to vote for the president of france (sarkozy, heard that the other fool won, there goes that... not moving there any time soon. that kills my plans) but downtown was packed and brooke was having an anxiety attack because she hates driving in the city. i SWEAR i am the only person out of each and every one of my friends that can actually drive in cities.. wait, im the only one of my friends who SHOULD drive in cities. they should never do it again. they all get anxiety, develop a case of the bad mood attitude, and get pissed off and irritated and can't be as aggressive as me. its so funny... for me. the i get in trouble for laughing. 

anyway , grabbed a cab from tiffany's domain off Cole & Haight, headed toward the park, met up with laura at dolores. sat and chit chatted with our lawn neighbors. hula hooped, laughed, squinted from the sun all day long and generally had a nice time. can't wait to head back there again for a longer weekend. happy cinco de drinko everyone... too bad i have no idea what the holiday actually stands for. whatever... 

and now for the song :

Thursday, May 3, 2012


there is a pack of coyotes outside my window.
seems a bit early for that. but i like it anyway.

ive been on overload lately.
feel like i havent hardly been home . maybe because i havent.

my therapist wants me to write
i love to write
i love to write and have people read what i write.
she thinks its a good thing to get voices back about what i say and how i write.
encouragement and feedback. ideas and thoughts.
but yet i never get any of that. is anyone out there?

so i dont know where to start.
i dont like talking about my usual day to day crap. thats so boring. i dont even know.
im too tired right now
i'll get better at this soon. i'll get back into it like i used to be. so for now , go read my past posts. those are fun. most of the time.

i'll leave you with this photo that i like :