good morning utah

well here i am 

after a very long drive through Nevada with Macy - in a haul pulling a trailer with my car on it, with no music at all, and manual roll down windows - we made it. we talked about a lot of different things, she is so much fun. so thankful she helped me make that drive and was great company for the journey. 

we got to Jons around 2:30 and went to bed at 3. i slept with Jersey, Jons dog. we cuddled on the couch all night. it was cozy and nice. I woke up and went outside with her and laid down on the cool cement in his backyard and enjoyed the early morning temperatures for a bit. went back inside to try to sleep. then i went back outside and decided to sleep on the trampoline, it was a good choice. it was shaded with pieces of sun coming through the branches. after a while though it got too windy to stay there because leaves and pollen pieces were blowing into my hair. 

we woke up and went to get coffee and toast. 

and then it was time to start unpacking the uhaul... the fun part, right? UGH it was so hot. but Jon, Clark, Macy & I got it done. i can not thank them enough. i know how hard and not fun moving crap in the heat is, and i am so grateful and appreciative that they helped me do it. 

now i am sitting in my new little room in salt lake city , i've made it my own by putting some decorations out and hanging up a curtain. it feels nice. i like this room a lot the window faces north so i don't get any direct sun shining in, which i love. it helps keep my room nice and cool all the time. 

all i want to do is go out to eat, and find creeks, rivers or lakes to dip my toes into. but, i have to start looking fora job this week. aw man. but i'm excited to find a fun new job. i just don't know what i'll do yet! 

here we go

where to even begin. 

i guess i just decided to change it up. i've always wanted to try living in utah again. on my own terms, by myself. no plan really, just the desire to enjoy myself. 

so i'll start blogging again. 

a lot of people have said that they want to stay updated on my journey. which is flattering. so i the least i can do is write about some things. 

first things first. i'm going to miss my cat for the first couple of months before i'm able to come back and get her. it's like she knows, she's been avoiding me. but also watches me from a distance. gah she's so cute its ridiculous.

also, my last day of work was today. i shouldn't be shocked that my former-boss completely disregarded me, didn't thank me, didn't say bye, nothing at all what so ever. but it still made me furious for a good two hours. i'm over it now, but dang. what a crappy person. i've been loyal and committed to my job for four years. i've gone above and beyond expectations in order to show my work ethic. nothing i did was done for applause or praise. it's just how i am. but everyone wants to be thanked for their time. but whatever, onward to a person who treats me with respect, right!?

here's my cute cat Anouk eating out of a Pawnosh bowl. i recommend these bowls. they are awesome. they aren't tacky pet bowls like all the ones you find in the store. all glass and life time warranty. Anouk loves it!!! Look how huge she is. haha.

anyway, here we go. blogging again. i'll try to be a bit more exciting than this one... i'm just so tired after today and this weekend. dang what a good last weekend in California. awesome party with amazing people and rafting down the American river with amazing people. couldn't have thought up a better weekend. 

Weary

"We accept the love we think we deserve" ....

K well, I deserve a stoic badass with a sweet side and an understanding nature. 

Mentally, I am worn down. Emotionally, I am nearly dissolved. Physically, I am showing signs of distress. Over all, psychologically, I am nearly defeated.

Currently craving a love and a life filled with a companion. But knowing so deep in the back of my mind that I will never have what others have. I will always be the black sheep. My level of living is far different than everyone else around me. All I wanted was a normal happy life.

Yet I day dream about traveling around the world, wearing mostly white & having my hair curled. Meeting others who appreciate me on my journey through my one and only life. & I appreciating them in return. I dream about being comfortable enough in my own skin that I could lay naked in a hammock & fall asleep with out worry. I dream about having my own family, so I'll never be with out love in some form. I dream about someone to hold my hands when they are cold.

My dreams are so beyond reach that I wonder if I am just settling. Repeating over and over to myself, that: you get one life, you're only young once, don't fuck it all up, don't hesitate, it doesn't matter what you have - it's all how you treat people & how they remember you.

Once your dead and gone, the only thing they will remember you by is your genuine interaction & love given out.

Hard to be the way you wish, when you're always busy being the way you "have to be" for your life to be sorta kinda comfortable for a short amount of time. 

Revalation. 

Don't play games.

Express yourself

Don't hesitate 

I get reckless when it comes to you

I just want a guy to say to me:

"I don't know what kind of life we're going to have, but I just need you to be in it"

workin for a Birkin

saving my pennies
taking risks
loading up my schedule
running at full speed
going where i want
being committed
keeping promises
staying in love
learning self discipline
trying new routines
beginning a new journey
sneezing from allergies

A woman is losing her energy to create. Whether it be solutions to mundane issues of her life with such as work, family, friendships or her goals, her personal development, her art. This is not a mere procrastination, for it continues over weeks and months of time. She seems flattened out, filled with ideas perhaps, but deeply anemic and more and more unable to act upon them. 

- Clarissa Estés

The problem with thinking about your own past is you forget its genesis and start to feel a useless awe toward your earlier self