rattlesnakes

i have such a hard time writing lately.

i have no motivation to do anything.

besides sit in my bed and watch bad netflix . at least its distracting me until i get better. at least this is what i am telling myself.

i spend too much money. i always think of things i need for myself. 

"need" i convince myself of a lot of things... 

i'm supposed to be writing down three things that i am looking forward to in a day, and then three things i am grateful for at the end of the day. my therapist told me to... and i see her every wednesday, and so far i havent dont it once. i feel stupid. i forget everything all the time. i dont even know how to take that seriously. i dont look at the day ahead of me.. i just go minute by minute. so its hard to look forward to things. i dont know.

i just want to move to hawaii. but then again i really want to travel to europe and meet some spanish lad that will sweep me off my feet. or even better, one of those dashing middle eastern guys. i guess i have a thing for tall dark and handsome. how typical right. but the accents is what gets me. i heard a brasilian guy talking today and i couldnt believe how cool his accent was. i could listen to him read a phone book. 

im rambling
i do that so often.

i dont know what else to talk about besides myself and that is BORING. i'll get to a place where i can talk about other stuff. i just need some kind of push and motivation to even write these days. i think by now everyone already knows whats been going on with me and what happened to me. so i think you all can understand why i need motivation and why i want people to read my crap. it just makes me feel connected and relatable. 

am i relatable? 

i'd like to think i am.