Tuesday, May 22, 2012

oh hey

i was so close to going to bed just now
but then i remembered i need to write more. 
for a few reasons. 

i sort of forgot what i was going to say.
but i remember one thing.

 everyone wants something else. everyone wishes they looked the way another person did. or had something someone else has. or wishes they could change something about themselves easier. i dont care if you lie and say "no i like everything about myself" or whatever bullshit spews from your mouth on this particular subject. because i'll know you're lying. its human nature. it just is. i swear it. i'll find some kind of specialist just to prove it. 

discipline. self acceptance. benevolence... and all those of things... we need those things, but damn its hard to get those. especially with all this social media and networking and constant overload of photos. im soooo guilty in participating in it. but hey, its 2012. whatevs. its hard for me not to sometimes hate the way i look after i see a girl with a really good looking body, or who is taking the time and effort to eat really well, or who -seems- comfortable in her own skin. it just makes me wonder what the hell im missing. 

personally, i have almost zero discipline. i eat in 5 minutes like its going to be taken away from me forever. i have a gym membership but i get lazy and think of a million reasons to ditch. i put off doing things i know i need to do because id rather sleep or something. i honestly i have no clue how to gain discipline. plus i know that i am the worst at being almost 100% unresponsive to threats, comments or 'encouragement' to do things to better myself. i'm super good at avoiding things. 

and self acceptance. ha wow. yeah that is not fully happening for me. i must be doing something waaaay wrong. maybe its the above statement i just made that contributes to this. i think the rust just came off the wheels in my mind on this particular subject. i can sort of feel them turning and figuring it out a little bit. hm. but still. hard to do. 

and benevolence. i dont really know how i can get over 'envying' girls with better things than me. i mean, i dont actually envy them at all, i just dont have a better word for it. envy and jealousy are not feelings i am familiar with really. however, i do get down on myself when i see a girl with a lucky set of attributes that i completely lack. so its not really envy... its just self pity and crap. total nonsense - i know. POOR ME. im soooo unworthy... 

but sometimes , everyonce in a while, something about myself satisfies me for a minute. and i realize for a brief flicker in my life that i am not half bad and that i could look like a wreck. more of a wreck than normal that is. like today i did some neat eye make up and i was completely stoked on the photo that i took of myself. i was like WHAT how did i manage that and how did i not know that my eye ball looked that good today.  here is a photo: 

it made me feel good about myself. its kind of like a really pathetic way of validating myself. because most of the time i feel like i look really haggard, unkempt and unhealthy. ::: confessions of a 23 , almost 24 year old optician. ::: i dont consider myself 'pretty' when i see all these really pretty girls all around me. and then i pass myself in the mirror and its like good lord how i have not gotten beat up yet. i dont think i'm a total loss, but i think i'm acceptable. am i being vain? me me me me me. I I I I I . i sound like such a chick right now. i gotta stop. 

so i think i probably loose like half of my readers when i post incredibly long blog posts. i'm not really sure. i always feel like im rambling. it try to keep it interesting. i was thinking of stopping right now. but i still have stuff to say. so you'll just have to deal with it. 
i'm craving rice lately. 
i recently had probably the best meal ive ever had ever. 
its called the righteous rice bowl and its from cosmic cafe downtown hangtown. best choice i ever made ... (second to my choice of peanut butter panda puffs with vanilla coconut milk, NOM) . 
basically what it is is this: brown basmati rice, balsamic beans, sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cheese & avocado. -- it also comes with salsa, cilantro & cilantro sour cream , but i hate cilantro & salsa is like a hit and miss thing for me -- so basically its healthy, filling, delicious and nutritious. 

i hope your mouth is watering. i am so excited to go to work 
tomorrow so i can eat my left overs for lunch. for real. 

AND lastly, i saw that once in a life time solar eclipse. and it was probably the weirdest experience ever. mostly because i was thinking about it pretty deep and i also felt super strange when it happened. i felt really funky. must be something to it. i'll research it later. but i was also just thinking about how badass it is that all i had to do was look up and have some ghetto rigged devices to view it and bam, history was witnessed by me. i did drive up to tahoe and hit up east shore for the event , just to make it extra special. but really i could have stayed home and checked it out all the same. its just cool to me how this happened where i could see it. i think only oregon, california, the southern parts of nevada, utah, northern arizona and new mexico and then parts of texas could see it . oh and some of china and all of japan. thats like, a lot of other places that didnt get to see it. so it was really , miraculous. i went up with one of my best friends brooke. it was such a great time. here we are , and here is the views we came across.... after these photos i am signing off and checking out until next time. thanks for reading. oh and if you made it this far, you are allowed to comment. you dont need an account to comment. just sign your name so i dont get a billion anonymous comments. it makes me think to hard and i cant deal with that. 
the ring of fire on my hand

me in the forest 

brooke and i viewing the eclipse. 
we had polarized sunglasses on too

brooke and i in the woods

brooke on the beach

my trusty car in the woods

the most beautiful scene to lay my eyes on before heading up


Tay said...

Love this post. It was amazing. And I want your ass and you can have some of my boobs and balls looool

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your eye makeup. It's beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Well little lady. I have the body of a playmate(god given)and it's not all it is cracked up to be. I look at girls with your build and ask myself "Am I just a huge bitch?"

cassandra noëlla said...

OH MY GOD whoever posted that comment about having the body of a playmate.... i wish i knew who you were because i love you now.

& to the person who complimented me on my makeup, THANK YOU.

& to tay .... betch.....

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