rattlesnakes

i have such a hard time writing lately.

i have no motivation to do anything.

besides sit in my bed and watch bad netflix . at least its distracting me until i get better. at least this is what i am telling myself.

i spend too much money. i always think of things i need for myself. 

"need" i convince myself of a lot of things... 

i'm supposed to be writing down three things that i am looking forward to in a day, and then three things i am grateful for at the end of the day. my therapist told me to... and i see her every wednesday, and so far i havent dont it once. i feel stupid. i forget everything all the time. i dont even know how to take that seriously. i dont look at the day ahead of me.. i just go minute by minute. so its hard to look forward to things. i dont know.

i just want to move to hawaii. but then again i really want to travel to europe and meet some spanish lad that will sweep me off my feet. or even better, one of those dashing middle eastern guys. i guess i have a thing for tall dark and handsome. how typical right. but the accents is what gets me. i heard a brasilian guy talking today and i couldnt believe how cool his accent was. i could listen to him read a phone book. 

im rambling
i do that so often.

i dont know what else to talk about besides myself and that is BORING. i'll get to a place where i can talk about other stuff. i just need some kind of push and motivation to even write these days. i think by now everyone already knows whats been going on with me and what happened to me. so i think you all can understand why i need motivation and why i want people to read my crap. it just makes me feel connected and relatable. 

am i relatable? 

i'd like to think i am. 

from my nikon n2020 film camera

i guess that crystals are beneath me...

seriously loosing my mind again.
i dont really even know what im looking for or expecting.

i just want what i want.
its that simple.
i want to travel. i want to live in hawaii. i want to learn spanish.
and french. i want to loose weight. i want longer hair. i want friends.
i want to sell everything. i want to watch movies. i want go to sleep.


but for some reason , all of the above... seems impossible.

traveling? HAHA. sure cassie. with what money and what time?

hawaii? yeah okay. see above

spanish? french? when the hell do you think you'll have time to learn it, let alone REMEMBER IT.

loose weight? yeah then stop eating. what? jesus christ.

longer hair. unattainable. ive been trying. and its not getting long like it used to be

friends? how can i have friends when everyone in this god for saken town is set on hating me and excluding me and ignoring me ? i dont get what i did. i just dont understand anything.

sell everything.. who wants junk? anyone? anyone? bueller?

watch movies. time? whats that?

sleep? you have too much to do. but what do you have to show for it?



someone please help me.
or wait dont.
everyone who tries to help me wants something in return. or something. i dont know.
maybe just leave me alone and stop being mean to me.


NOTHING ELSE MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS THIS
SO I WILL CONTINUE ON MY MISSION WITH THE RISK, TO BE FREE. 

cinco de mayo in SF

tiffany, myself & brooke on our way to dolores park for cinco de mayo

i missed the memo to stick my tongue out ... i guess doing that is all the rage. 

head wear by my girl maddie @ chainrush on etsy

showing my hula skills at the park . my pal laura so finely captured me in motion.

i think its the first real photo of me doing hula well. 

oh just a typical shot i have to get each time i enter the city. 

bay bridge thru maui jim rose polarized glasses with sun flare 

*not supermoon - laura

i tried the tongue thing for the photo because tiffany is my most wild friend

so i tried to be wild like her. but she pulled a normal face. hahaha

laura, me and tiffany. i had my eyes closed so i wouldnt squint 

basically had a fun time. just chilled out . 

rolled into the bay around like 2 it seems. tried to vote for the president of france (sarkozy, heard that the other fool won, there goes that... not moving there any time soon. that kills my plans) but downtown was packed and brooke was having an anxiety attack because she hates driving in the city. i SWEAR i am the only person out of each and every one of my friends that can actually drive in cities.. wait, im the only one of my friends who SHOULD drive in cities. they should never do it again. they all get anxiety, develop a case of the bad mood attitude, and get pissed off and irritated and can't be as aggressive as me. its so funny... for me. the i get in trouble for laughing. 

anyway , grabbed a cab from tiffany's domain off Cole & Haight, headed toward the park, met up with laura at dolores. sat and chit chatted with our lawn neighbors. hula hooped, laughed, squinted from the sun all day long and generally had a nice time. can't wait to head back there again for a longer weekend. happy cinco de drinko everyone... too bad i have no idea what the holiday actually stands for. whatever... 

and now for the song :

coyote

there is a pack of coyotes outside my window.
seems a bit early for that. but i like it anyway.

ive been on overload lately.
feel like i havent hardly been home . maybe because i havent.

my therapist wants me to write
i love to write
i love to write and have people read what i write.
she thinks its a good thing to get voices back about what i say and how i write.
encouragement and feedback. ideas and thoughts.
but yet i never get any of that. is anyone out there?



so i dont know where to start.
i dont like talking about my usual day to day crap. thats so boring. i dont even know.
im too tired right now
i'll get better at this soon. i'll get back into it like i used to be. so for now , go read my past posts. those are fun. most of the time.

i'll leave you with this photo that i like :

this music video is soooooooooo sick.

everything about it is captivating. 

i dont listen to rhianna or drake ever, but i heard this song on the radio once and i quite liked it. 

and drake is a babe in this video. i'll be honest here. 

i just love the shots of the animals and the slow motion movements of drake with the moody lighting. i totally wouldn't mind having photos of myself in this style. hint hint. i wonder if i can set something like this up.... 

Meteor Rock