i guess that crystals are beneath me...

seriously loosing my mind again.
i dont really even know what im looking for or expecting.

i just want what i want.
its that simple.
i want to travel. i want to live in hawaii. i want to learn spanish.
and french. i want to loose weight. i want longer hair. i want friends.
i want to sell everything. i want to watch movies. i want go to sleep.


but for some reason , all of the above... seems impossible.

traveling? HAHA. sure cassie. with what money and what time?

hawaii? yeah okay. see above

spanish? french? when the hell do you think you'll have time to learn it, let alone REMEMBER IT.

loose weight? yeah then stop eating. what? jesus christ.

longer hair. unattainable. ive been trying. and its not getting long like it used to be

friends? how can i have friends when everyone in this god for saken town is set on hating me and excluding me and ignoring me ? i dont get what i did. i just dont understand anything.

sell everything.. who wants junk? anyone? anyone? bueller?

watch movies. time? whats that?

sleep? you have too much to do. but what do you have to show for it?



someone please help me.
or wait dont.
everyone who tries to help me wants something in return. or something. i dont know.
maybe just leave me alone and stop being mean to me.


NOTHING ELSE MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS THIS
SO I WILL CONTINUE ON MY MISSION WITH THE RISK, TO BE FREE. 

cinco de mayo in SF

tiffany, myself & brooke on our way to dolores park for cinco de mayo

i missed the memo to stick my tongue out ... i guess doing that is all the rage. 

head wear by my girl maddie @ chainrush on etsy

showing my hula skills at the park . my pal laura so finely captured me in motion.

i think its the first real photo of me doing hula well. 

oh just a typical shot i have to get each time i enter the city. 

bay bridge thru maui jim rose polarized glasses with sun flare 

*not supermoon - laura

i tried the tongue thing for the photo because tiffany is my most wild friend

so i tried to be wild like her. but she pulled a normal face. hahaha

laura, me and tiffany. i had my eyes closed so i wouldnt squint 

basically had a fun time. just chilled out . 

rolled into the bay around like 2 it seems. tried to vote for the president of france (sarkozy, heard that the other fool won, there goes that... not moving there any time soon. that kills my plans) but downtown was packed and brooke was having an anxiety attack because she hates driving in the city. i SWEAR i am the only person out of each and every one of my friends that can actually drive in cities.. wait, im the only one of my friends who SHOULD drive in cities. they should never do it again. they all get anxiety, develop a case of the bad mood attitude, and get pissed off and irritated and can't be as aggressive as me. its so funny... for me. the i get in trouble for laughing. 

anyway , grabbed a cab from tiffany's domain off Cole & Haight, headed toward the park, met up with laura at dolores. sat and chit chatted with our lawn neighbors. hula hooped, laughed, squinted from the sun all day long and generally had a nice time. can't wait to head back there again for a longer weekend. happy cinco de drinko everyone... too bad i have no idea what the holiday actually stands for. whatever... 

and now for the song :

coyote

there is a pack of coyotes outside my window.
seems a bit early for that. but i like it anyway.

ive been on overload lately.
feel like i havent hardly been home . maybe because i havent.

my therapist wants me to write
i love to write
i love to write and have people read what i write.
she thinks its a good thing to get voices back about what i say and how i write.
encouragement and feedback. ideas and thoughts.
but yet i never get any of that. is anyone out there?



so i dont know where to start.
i dont like talking about my usual day to day crap. thats so boring. i dont even know.
im too tired right now
i'll get better at this soon. i'll get back into it like i used to be. so for now , go read my past posts. those are fun. most of the time.

i'll leave you with this photo that i like :

this music video is soooooooooo sick.

everything about it is captivating. 

i dont listen to rhianna or drake ever, but i heard this song on the radio once and i quite liked it. 

and drake is a babe in this video. i'll be honest here. 

i just love the shots of the animals and the slow motion movements of drake with the moody lighting. i totally wouldn't mind having photos of myself in this style. hint hint. i wonder if i can set something like this up.... 

Meteor Rock

make over

lucky for me, my old pal Jade is going to give my poor sloppy blog a make over. 

which in the end, is lucky for everyone

because it will be much more visually appealing. 

and i am giving myself a make over too

in a lot of areas of my life. not just aesthetically, but spiritually too. my friend April has been an enormous help with my spirit growth. my friends Audra, Paris & Kylie have been incredibly helpful with ways to make my body feel & look better. gosh. i dont know where i'd be with out good friends. 

but dont worry, i wont look like this all the time 

only on certain nights , rare occasions. 

i save my nice stuff for being around the general public. i also don't generally like to show off my body in this type of way, but i've been working pretty hard to look like this so i feel alright about it. 

im either in scrubs (8-5 monday thru friday) 

or im wearing the most comfortable outfit possible because im just chillin doing whatever . 

so anyway 

i am trying to get back in the groove of writing a blog

i dont want to be all fragmented and go off on weird subjects and talk about dumb crap all the time

so bare with me. 

adios 

boring. dont even bother reading.

its so weird

that i don't know what to write about anymore.

i feel like im always complaining or whining about something. 

or im just droning on and on about useless things. 

like i am right now.

or im bragging and no one likes to read bragging. i have no creative outlet . the only creative thing i like to do is write. and i dont even do that. i hate writing in a journal. i feel like thats retarded. i dont want to re-read all my past boring stuff in a paper journal. where as here, i know that whatever im writing is meant to be read . because if i post something stupid then people will read it and that will be ridiculous. so i only post things that express myself in a way that other people can relate, discuss and applaud me on. or debate. 

but like seriously if you're coming here to debate with me, get a life. i dont even want to deal with that. i hate haters who lurk hard for conflict. 

plus i hate that i have to censor myself.

i cuss all the time. but i know when not to so i dont sound disgusting. but dang, i really could let loose on this blog. i don't know if it would come across the right way. but still. its the way i am and its the way i talk. i dont really have a problem with it at all either. 

but i think a lot of my family members read my stuff. so that would be awkward. 

ive been working out lately. i look pretty great. ive still gotta get my legs in better shape. but over all im satisfied with myself. im trying to get more self confidence and shit like that. i think it'll work good for me in the long run. im also eating better. i make bomb smoothies quite often . im basically a pro. i'll post my drinks later. thats for another time. i'll bombard your brain with beverage photos on a later day. 

work in progress. arent we all... 

so since im talking about me me me me me here is me: 

if i was a normal blogger these photos would be spaced out over time and wouldn't be posted at the same time like a vain, narcissistic, turd. but since im not im just throwing them at everyone all at once. because why not? its my blog and i'll do whatever the hell i want. 

the day i learned how terrible the front camera is.

my jimmy choo glasses

never put on a fake tattoo. 

they are horrible to get off. 

me showcasing a jacket thats for sale on my etsy

i decided against the hat later on 

girls night . pre-game

at the airport . wishing i could fly away & never come back.