this music video is soooooooooo sick.

everything about it is captivating. 

i dont listen to rhianna or drake ever, but i heard this song on the radio once and i quite liked it. 

and drake is a babe in this video. i'll be honest here. 

i just love the shots of the animals and the slow motion movements of drake with the moody lighting. i totally wouldn't mind having photos of myself in this style. hint hint. i wonder if i can set something like this up.... 

Meteor Rock

make over

lucky for me, my old pal Jade is going to give my poor sloppy blog a make over. 

which in the end, is lucky for everyone

because it will be much more visually appealing. 

and i am giving myself a make over too

in a lot of areas of my life. not just aesthetically, but spiritually too. my friend April has been an enormous help with my spirit growth. my friends Audra, Paris & Kylie have been incredibly helpful with ways to make my body feel & look better. gosh. i dont know where i'd be with out good friends. 

but dont worry, i wont look like this all the time 

only on certain nights , rare occasions. 

i save my nice stuff for being around the general public. i also don't generally like to show off my body in this type of way, but i've been working pretty hard to look like this so i feel alright about it. 

im either in scrubs (8-5 monday thru friday) 

or im wearing the most comfortable outfit possible because im just chillin doing whatever . 

so anyway 

i am trying to get back in the groove of writing a blog

i dont want to be all fragmented and go off on weird subjects and talk about dumb crap all the time

so bare with me. 

adios 

boring. dont even bother reading.

its so weird

that i don't know what to write about anymore.

i feel like im always complaining or whining about something. 

or im just droning on and on about useless things. 

like i am right now.

or im bragging and no one likes to read bragging. i have no creative outlet . the only creative thing i like to do is write. and i dont even do that. i hate writing in a journal. i feel like thats retarded. i dont want to re-read all my past boring stuff in a paper journal. where as here, i know that whatever im writing is meant to be read . because if i post something stupid then people will read it and that will be ridiculous. so i only post things that express myself in a way that other people can relate, discuss and applaud me on. or debate. 

but like seriously if you're coming here to debate with me, get a life. i dont even want to deal with that. i hate haters who lurk hard for conflict. 

plus i hate that i have to censor myself.

i cuss all the time. but i know when not to so i dont sound disgusting. but dang, i really could let loose on this blog. i don't know if it would come across the right way. but still. its the way i am and its the way i talk. i dont really have a problem with it at all either. 

but i think a lot of my family members read my stuff. so that would be awkward. 

ive been working out lately. i look pretty great. ive still gotta get my legs in better shape. but over all im satisfied with myself. im trying to get more self confidence and shit like that. i think it'll work good for me in the long run. im also eating better. i make bomb smoothies quite often . im basically a pro. i'll post my drinks later. thats for another time. i'll bombard your brain with beverage photos on a later day. 

work in progress. arent we all... 

so since im talking about me me me me me here is me: 

if i was a normal blogger these photos would be spaced out over time and wouldn't be posted at the same time like a vain, narcissistic, turd. but since im not im just throwing them at everyone all at once. because why not? its my blog and i'll do whatever the hell i want. 

the day i learned how terrible the front camera is.

my jimmy choo glasses

never put on a fake tattoo. 

they are horrible to get off. 

me showcasing a jacket thats for sale on my etsy

i decided against the hat later on 

girls night . pre-game

at the airport . wishing i could fly away & never come back. 

obsessed with this. 

the world around me

when i look back on things i have taken photos of sometimes i am confused as to how i got that photo. luck i guess. i get really lucky with photos. thats one of the only things i get lucky with it seems. i always seem to be in the right place at the right time. and i need to share my photos more often. because i never know if they will be lost forever. 

today i am in another daze. nothing seems real and i feel like it is maybe 4 years in the past. my dreams keep convincing me that it is a different time. i dont know what to do with myself and i keep feeling stress, confusion, pressure and guilt creep around the corners and start to over whelm me again. 

i always thought i didn't get stressed. i mean, i dont. i dont really know why i can feel it now. i've never cared too much about anything entirely. except the things i dream about. time is moving slower for me today. for the first time in a year i think, or maybe even longer. but i cant remember my past too well anymore. 

maybe now i can lay in the grass and watch clouds. and do those simple weird things that people are able to do. go on a walk. i dont know. obviously i dont know, and didnt know. other wise i wouldnt be here now. i hope i can figure it out. i still feel empty. 

two songs i got for you 

im incredibly restless
im ready to go


i dont ever ever ever want to look back into my past
its worthless. i don't care what you say.

im giving away all my things
and selling them . trying to keep up my etsy for some income
my optician job is driving me up the wall
im tired of working full time
i'd rather be with kids

i want to get married. i feel old.
i want to travel
i feel like im growing roots in a place i dont want to be rooted to
how do i acquire so much stuff?
how do i get rid of clothes when i love them all so much?
being almost 24 is hard.
i think im ready to sell my snowboard and boots
i really dont think i'll ever realistically use it.
any takers?


i sound so negative
and unhappy

oh maybe because i am right now
its a beautiful place i live in
surrounded by awesome people and great friends
but
i just cant shake this feeling of needing..// wanting to leave

so i will send you here: MY ETSY
in hopes of any interweb stragglers who have come across my page
and read my cry for help
to purchase things from my site
to go toward the "get me the hell out of here" fund


but
i need to upkeep this blog more
because it is a good way to look back on my life
even tho ... wait wait.
didnt i just say i dont want to look into my past?
god i cant keep up with myself



some one save me
(prince harry, im talkin to you)



completely ready to voyage to new places and try new things and get out and leave.

and totally warped, twisted, unreal and disconnected. 

how did i end up here? 

WE ARE TRAVELERS ON A COSMIC JOURNEY, STARDUST, SWIRLING AND DANCING IN THE EDDIES AND WHIRLPOOLS OF INFINITY. LIFE IS ETERNAL. WE HAVE STOPPED FOR A MOMENT TO ENCOUNTER EACH OTHER, TO MEET, TO LOVE, TO SHARE. THIS IS A PRECIOUS MOMENT. IT IS A LITTLE PARENTHESIS IN ETERNITY.

Paula Coelho, The Alchemist

my love for christopher walken has just grew by 1000. 

the days are getting longer 

that could be an advantage or disadvantage. 

i don't know where i stand yet. 

all i know is that i am ready to fall down the rabbit hole again