christmas this year

been waiting for today - the 25th. 

only because i want it to be OVER. 

its fun, but i've never been super enthusiastic about holidays. i've tried and it's never what i try to make it. *ba humbug* right? yeah. 

but i got a hatchet & a knife. and glass shelf cases to keep my mysterious & unusual trinkets incased in. just my style. 

i'm glad the new year is coming. it's silly that i tell myself to start doing something when its the new year rather than now. i guess its just nice to bring fresh to the table when its a fresh set of numbers on the board. all of it : fresh. 

i'm quite surprised i've gotten any gifts at all really. i've been nothing but naughty all year. perhaps i've done some good here and there unknowingly. i can't be sure. i'll have to look back and add the deeds up and minus the scandal and see where that leaves me. not that it matters, since i've already gotten gifts. 

heres to a new year, a new lease on life ... a new start. 

** cheers . 

whoops

i accidentally ate too much and now i can't fit into my g-star jeans.

i hate when that happens...

no matter, i still get paid. 

i love being a blonde. i don't think I've really made it clear to the people of the world. me being a blonde is so much different from any hair i've ever had. i feel dazzling. i have glittery locks. the length of my hair is magnificent. at least i'm happy with that.... 

i'm moving to LA this year. don't care if I'm broke. i'll captivate the hearts of many and make it work. thats how it works doesn't it? it does now. 

I got an e-gift card to Sephora from an anonymous person named "R" and i can't believe how nice that was. i hope who ever it is sees this and sees me say thank you. random acts of kindness are beautiful. its so simple and sweet. it shocks me to get nice things from people. i often find myself wondering "why on earth would anyone send me anything!?" but apparently, there must be a reason. i like to make others feel happy whenever i can. the easiest way for me to do that is by my words and thoughts tho. so hopefully someone appreciates them, its all I've got. 

anyway, thank you, R. 

so , 

i miss my best friend.

hes in new york. i'm in california. the two opposite and competing states. *cali always wins. 

he's the funniest. i'm a lucky girl to be able to rely on him to make me feel better. just a little bit of love vibe being sent over there via my blog. thats not the best photo of either of us at all but its the only one i could find. he might hate me for that, but it kind of describes the dynamic we have. so i'm keeping it up. i'm always giving him a hard time. he can take it. he likes it. 

i love to FaceTime, i FaceTime with a lot of my pals. its just better than texting and phone calls to me. makes it more personal and clear. i can't always be with all my friends, they are all over the country. FaceTime helps. those damn commercials are right...! who knew. 

i also can't wait to go back to maui.

rare

albino whale

white is such a rare color to find in nature. 

is it? or maybe i just can't think of anything at the moment. 

its been a while

i'm opening my blog back up to the public. after an incredibly nice email i received this week from someone who appreciated my blog years ago, i decided if i can inspire people via my blog, i should continue to do it. right? her saying something to me after all this time is stuck in my mind. in that good place of your mind that all the sweetest and most treasured things you choose to remember stay. a little secret stash of galvanizing memories. 

so here i am. i'm not as exciting as i used to be, growing up and all that... 

but i'll try. 

i've been moving at full speed. but i feel like i've been in the exact same spot for a long time. and i have. i hate when that happens. i always talk about doing things and these dreams i have. but i have always had the hardest time looking into the future and taking the right steps into the future. i just stumble into the future with lack of grace and zero refinement. 

and i can acknowledge that and still manage to keep doing it over and over again. sheesh. 

big christmas party tomorrow. 

i can't wait for christmas to be over. 

i can't wait for the new year. i feel like you can start fresh in the new year. its stupid. i should start whenever i want. maybe its just me buying myself time? 

anyway, bang bang. here i am again 

my favorite shape

i kind of fell out of the blog writing groove

i used to be kinda okay at it

and now whenever i get on here im like, 

well shit. what am i supposed to say? 

i guess i'll just ramble on about random junk and hope that captures your attention.

ive been painting my nails dark lately. black is my new favorite. 

i've also started a new book written by Queen Noor... she is such a badass. i need to read about Rania next. 

i am so captivated by real life princesses & queens. 

i seriously day dream about being a queen. 

i mean. i AM a queen.

im the queen of everything. 

my name "cassandra" loosely translates into "queen of everything" in arabic. 

which is perfect since i am also obsessed with arabic culture.

okay but really. thats just urban dictionary. 

they told me that.

but who am i to disagree? 

it sounds legit to me ... 

i think i'll buy a tiara. 

i love a good pen. 

i just recently stole a pen that writes pink. 

i never need to write anything tho. maybe if i would attend college again i would have a reason to write

but college sounds so.... 

FUCK. 

you know? 

i dont know if i can handle that kind of stress again. 

it did give me an ulcer once upon a time. that was painful and really sucked. 

plus i dont know what i want to do anymore. i thought i knew . a long time ago. 

i have my bachelors in alternative systems of medicine. but i dont use it . nor do i care to 

i want to work with kids. and be the boss. 

and i also want to be fabulous.

i have such good priorities. 

i blame it on social media. 

i wish i had better discipline. 

ive seriously said that a million times

i dont know how im supposed to control my bullshit 

when i override myself all the time. 

cassie dont eat that

screw it, dont eat it next time

have all you want right now

then i hate myself afterward

im such an asshole. 

i mean common

youre 24 this year and you eat like youre a 7 year old. 

you cant eat cookies and bullshit and act like it doesnt affect you 

youre getting ugly. people are starting to notice 

if you actually put a box of chocolate chip cookies in front of me 

I WILL DESTROY THEM. 

i am freaking out right now just talking about them. 

carrots. 

damn it. 

well i guess i should go now

i need to go find a snack.

something that wont add to the mass i have clinging desperately to my bones. 

shiiiiiiit. im such a girl right now. 

dont tell me to eat celery. 

i hate the stuff. 

oh yeah, anyone can comment my blog

you dont need an account to do it

so tell me a chocolate chip cookie i can eat with out feeling guilty.

please. 

im just sayin .

______________________

all i want

is a guy with a beard who likes to travel 

and who loves me like nothing else

and a motorcycle 

and some cookies

to see roux one more time 

an anklet 

& to travel around the entire united states 

one day. 

i gotta start learning how to be positive

can someone teach me/? 

probably can't be taught. 

im just not happy lately. 

its hard. 

nothing is going right for me

so its hard to be "positive" or whatever... 

when its a giant mix of things that just suck. 

i need help. 

as in 

a pina colada 

a salmon meal

& a new pair of jeffery campbell heels 

and a hottub

heres to a change of attitude and 

hopefully better luck  - 

oh hey there...

i went to mexico for two weeks

that was awesome. it was crazy beautiful and surreal. 

i was there? what? 

i still cant believe it. 

these are my two best pals from the trip , my car mates , my bunk buddies & the two funniest people ive met in a long long time ... wes & jen. i miss them terribly. oh how i hate distance... well... no... i dont hate distance... i hate not being able to jump across it whenever i want. 

i miss everyone from my trip. they were all my family. love them. 

i swam with sea lions

had dolphins swimming under and around my boat 

saw whale sharks under my boat. a swordfish. flying manta rays. 

dove for clams and ate them. ate raw scallops from the bottom of the sea of cortez

had gangs of bullseye pufferfish following me at all times whenever i went in 

bird watched the most incredible species

slept on cots on the beach underneath hundreds of stars every night

got a mean tan 

and didnt break any of my nails 

so all in all... amazing trip. wanna see photos? OKAY SURE! 

thats just some. i am still waiting for the other photos to surface from other peoples cameras. 

my soul grew larger from being in mexico. 

its a great place. 

so yeah

. i'll leave you with that.