where you going?

whats the rush? 

everyone is frantic to be with someone. 

to be someones something. 

never satisfied with yourself unless you have someone else to be satisfied with you.

never give yourself a break. rush rush rush. hurry and get a partner. 

what? before they are all gone? do we have a low abundance of people or something? 

are we running out of time? 

i didnt get the memo... 

yet somehow i seem to be just fine with that.

most days.

all my friends have boyfriends. i dont get how they do that. 

maybe i'm just totally ruined, or maybe im too picky, or just a huge bitch

or all three

but almost every guy i meet i'm like "ew nope" 

its a terrible tragedy. 

i want my space. my time. to bond with people who are important to me. to nurture my spirit, my soul, my friendships and my life. as hard as it has been for me for the past year. the last thing i care about is "keeping my eyes peeled" for some one who is supposed to make me happy or whatever. hasnt worked at all in my past. my last two boyfriends were the most horrible things that ever happened to me. its a bit hard for me to be optimistic when thinking about myself in another abusive situation. which, for some reason i feel is just what im destined to deal with. which is completely disgusting. but hey, i guess i did their future girlfriends a favor. lets hope if they have girlfriends they dont beat them down verbally, cheat on them, use them and abuse them. bastards. warning to girls: REVIEW THE FELLAS PAST RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE PROCEEDING. you might change your mind and save yourself some serious life. 

the only reason im venting about this is because its like... summer love season... its like everyones got that longing in their eyes. i just dont even give a shit. maybe im just being bitter because no one likes me. ever at all. im too damaged or something. at least i'm happy.

whatever

"good people and bad people cannot exist in any unison. therefore they must split. in doing so the lines are drawn and the truth is revealed about which of those people you are"

i'm glad i am the good person and my ex is with out a doubt the bad. 

i had to vent and get that off my chest. couldnt keep it to myself. i would have exploded. 

i just want to make it clear - i dont hate, dislike or resent anyone in a relationship. it really doesnt bother me at all. i just have this cool thing about me where i just dont care about stuff. really tho.

i need to leave this place... 

too bad i didnt throw a killer look in the right direction. 

after being in a relationship, we need time for ourselves. time of rest. extended time to heal. time for our souls to catch up to us after the whirlwind of heartbreak, anger, sadness and separation. our souls got disconnected. mine still hasnt made its way back, im trying to coax it back to me. id be afraid to come back after that storm. some people, however, i believe dont even have souls. and they will never be happy, feel love or be good. ever.

lying there she made a promise that one day she'd run and find just the man she was looking for 

well she fell in love with that son of a gun, but he was not the man she took him for. 

well he came to town, he came rambling in on a great cloud of dust carried by the wind, oh it wasn't long before he pulled her in and he asked her to come run away with him

he saw a pretty young girl who was ready to run, and she saw the chance she was looking for. 

they headed out west , driving into the sun, and he promised her she was the only one

well, he was a thief and he'd steal just for fun, he'd g cruising around with his little gun ... 

tahoe!

pretty proud to say that two of my photos are featured on the Tahoe.com blog this week! i made a pretty cool contact with an editor and he really hooked me up! thanks Erik !

you can see the blog post here: TAHOE.COM

i'm doing better this week - this week did go by super fast. 

on monday i finally got to experience my dream of DODGEBALL! my friend Dan helped me make it come to life and so many awesome friends came to participate. it was so fun. im still sore...  we got a lot of photos , but these two are the only "posed" shots... thats the original dodgeball team down there , minus a few players (like me, since i was taking the photo) it was so fun and we all had such a good time that we plan on doing it again ... and after other people saw how awesome it turned out im sure they will be participating in it too. success! 

anyways .. its warming up fast. and i am itching to be free. i dont know how im gonna have a summer where i work full time... i'll probably miss out on a lot of fun happenings around town. bummer. oh well... hopefully they wont mind if i show up fashionably late and in scrubs... i hope this is my last summer in placerville as a resident ... i really hope i'll be in hawaii by this time next year. schooling and adventuring. i think i decided my majors ... i think everyone might already know... child studies... duh. it would only make sense. pretty excited to finally know what avenue i am going to take. now if only i could come up with a job i will love for afterward... ideas and input welcome on this subject... 

adios 

ethereal ~*

had a little fun today for a minute

we had to take care of some business and then on the way back we decided the weather and scenery was too perfect to pass up so we pulled over and got creative. i really love making ethereal photos. but realistic kinds... playing with common occurrences and warping them into something that seems magic.

tomorrow my dodgeball fantasy comes to life.... the game is really happening! be there at 6 - lyons park. bring your game face. 

jack of all trades

song of the week ... i just adore this. 

im a jack of all trades

ive always known this about myself 

but hearing someone else say they know that about me 

was like, letting me know that the way i am is okay. 

i got myself a pocket moleskine . 

my therapist told me i should write more. 

for a few reasons. one being that i forget everything. 

so writing my thoughts down will help. 

and second, its my way of expression. of getting it "off my chest" . 

everyone has their own form of expression... art... verbal... writing... whatever. 

mine is personally writing. ive always had a way with words. 

and i do like photography too obviously, but i never knew i was good at it until it was my job for 2 years. 

but ive always known i was good with words. 

but damn it. here i go... rambling... 

im updating my ipod tonight. i got super sick of everything on mine so im freshening up a bit. i posted that nice little number up top that i am fully obsessed with. i just cant stop listening. i'l try to put up a song with each blog post. i dont know if anyone listens to the songs i post, but at least it'll make the blog a little more interesting right? 

i did indigo eye liner today... took a photo of it.

but i still wish i had my old nikon. maybe the next camera i get will be a nice canon or something. i think i want to try canon this time around. with a 50 1.4 .. of course. 

have a good night 

oh hey

i was so close to going to bed just now

but then i remembered i need to write more. 

for a few reasons. 

i sort of forgot what i was going to say.

but i remember one thing.

 everyone wants something else. everyone wishes they looked the way another person did. or had something someone else has. or wishes they could change something about themselves easier. i dont care if you lie and say "no i like everything about myself" or whatever bullshit spews from your mouth on this particular subject. because i'll know you're lying. its human nature. it just is. i swear it. i'll find some kind of specialist just to prove it. 

discipline. self acceptance. benevolence... and all those of things... we need those things, but damn its hard to get those. especially with all this social media and networking and constant overload of photos. im soooo guilty in participating in it. but hey, its 2012. whatevs. its hard for me not to sometimes hate the way i look after i see a girl with a really good looking body, or who is taking the time and effort to eat really well, or who -seems- comfortable in her own skin. it just makes me wonder what the hell im missing. 

personally, i have almost zero discipline. i eat in 5 minutes like its going to be taken away from me forever. i have a gym membership but i get lazy and think of a million reasons to ditch. i put off doing things i know i need to do because id rather sleep or something. i honestly i have no clue how to gain discipline. plus i know that i am the worst at being almost 100% unresponsive to threats, comments or 'encouragement' to do things to better myself. i'm super good at avoiding things. 

and self acceptance. ha wow. yeah that is not fully happening for me. i must be doing something waaaay wrong. maybe its the above statement i just made that contributes to this. i think the rust just came off the wheels in my mind on this particular subject. i can sort of feel them turning and figuring it out a little bit. hm. but still. hard to do. 

and benevolence. i dont really know how i can get over 'envying' girls with better things than me. i mean, i dont actually envy them at all, i just dont have a better word for it. envy and jealousy are not feelings i am familiar with really. however, i do get down on myself when i see a girl with a lucky set of attributes that i completely lack. so its not really envy... its just self pity and crap. total nonsense - i know. POOR ME. im soooo unworthy... 

but sometimes , everyonce in a while, something about myself satisfies me for a minute. and i realize for a brief flicker in my life that i am not half bad and that i could look like a wreck. more of a wreck than normal that is. like today i did some neat eye make up and i was completely stoked on the photo that i took of myself. i was like WHAT how did i manage that and how did i not know that my eye ball looked that good today.  here is a photo: 

it made me feel good about myself. its kind of like a really pathetic way of validating myself. because most of the time i feel like i look really haggard, unkempt and unhealthy. ::: confessions of a 23 , almost 24 year old optician. ::: i dont consider myself 'pretty' when i see all these really pretty girls all around me. and then i pass myself in the mirror and its like good lord how i have not gotten beat up yet. i dont think i'm a total loss, but i think i'm acceptable. am i being vain? me me me me me. I I I I I . i sound like such a chick right now. i gotta stop. 

so i think i probably loose like half of my readers when i post incredibly long blog posts. i'm not really sure. i always feel like im rambling. it try to keep it interesting. i was thinking of stopping right now. but i still have stuff to say. so you'll just have to deal with it. 

i'm craving rice lately. 

i recently had probably the best meal ive ever had ever. 

its called the righteous rice bowl and its from cosmic cafe downtown hangtown. best choice i ever made ... (second to my choice of peanut butter panda puffs with vanilla coconut milk, NOM) . 

basically what it is is this: brown basmati rice, balsamic beans, sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cheese & avocado. -- it also comes with salsa, cilantro & cilantro sour cream , but i hate cilantro & salsa is like a hit and miss thing for me -- so basically its healthy, filling, delicious and nutritious. 

i hope your mouth is watering. i am so excited to go to work 

tomorrow so i can eat my left overs for lunch. for real. 

AND lastly, i saw that once in a life time solar eclipse. and it was probably the weirdest experience ever. mostly because i was thinking about it pretty deep and i also felt super strange when it happened. i felt really funky. must be something to it. i'll research it later. but i was also just thinking about how badass it is that all i had to do was look up and have some ghetto rigged devices to view it and bam, history was witnessed by me. i did drive up to tahoe and hit up east shore for the event , just to make it extra special. but really i could have stayed home and checked it out all the same. its just cool to me how this happened where i could see it. i think only oregon, california, the southern parts of nevada, utah, northern arizona and new mexico and then parts of texas could see it . oh and some of china and all of japan. thats like, a lot of other places that didnt get to see it. so it was really , miraculous. i went up with one of my best friends brooke. it was such a great time. here we are , and here is the views we came across.... after these photos i am signing off and checking out until next time. thanks for reading. oh and if you made it this far, you are allowed to comment. you dont need an account to comment. just sign your name so i dont get a billion anonymous comments. it makes me think to hard and i cant deal with that. 

adios. 

the ring of fire on my hand

me in the forest 

brooke and i viewing the eclipse. 

we had polarized sunglasses on too

brooke and i in the woods

brooke on the beach

my trusty car in the woods

 

the most beautiful scene to lay my eyes on before heading up

rattlesnakes

i have such a hard time writing lately.

i have no motivation to do anything.

besides sit in my bed and watch bad netflix . at least its distracting me until i get better. at least this is what i am telling myself.

i spend too much money. i always think of things i need for myself. 

"need" i convince myself of a lot of things... 

i'm supposed to be writing down three things that i am looking forward to in a day, and then three things i am grateful for at the end of the day. my therapist told me to... and i see her every wednesday, and so far i havent dont it once. i feel stupid. i forget everything all the time. i dont even know how to take that seriously. i dont look at the day ahead of me.. i just go minute by minute. so its hard to look forward to things. i dont know.

i just want to move to hawaii. but then again i really want to travel to europe and meet some spanish lad that will sweep me off my feet. or even better, one of those dashing middle eastern guys. i guess i have a thing for tall dark and handsome. how typical right. but the accents is what gets me. i heard a brasilian guy talking today and i couldnt believe how cool his accent was. i could listen to him read a phone book. 

im rambling
i do that so often.

i dont know what else to talk about besides myself and that is BORING. i'll get to a place where i can talk about other stuff. i just need some kind of push and motivation to even write these days. i think by now everyone already knows whats been going on with me and what happened to me. so i think you all can understand why i need motivation and why i want people to read my crap. it just makes me feel connected and relatable. 

am i relatable? 

i'd like to think i am. 

from my nikon n2020 film camera