determined to change. 

i might as well do SOMETHING while i do NOTHING. 

i really like to sleep. 

i am so happy there is more winter on its way. i am not a huge fan of the cold weather, but i want it really bad. i want to utilize my clothes and wear things i don't normally wear. i have so many clothes and constantly keep wearing the same things. it's so weird of me. i'm sure other people do that too. i hope. 

i'm getting my gym membership back. i'm excited about it. audra and i are going to go so often. i want to be fit and in better shape. i want to be able to do anything with out worrying if i'm strong enough to actually do it. 

i've also been reading more. lots. i'm breezing through books. loving the words that i am processing. i forgot how much i love to read, to apply the words, to turn the rusty wheels in my mind. i think reading again has helped me kinda snap out of my funk. that's what i'd like to attribute it to.

i've also been thinking a lot about the nutcracker prince on vhs. i didn't get to watch it over the christmas season. its such a bizarre movie. i don't have a vhs player anymore tho, so i guess i'll have to keep my eye out for one. 

i've been encountering a lot of ghosts lately. 

i had one go through my head and get stuck in my ear. it was bouncing around, it felt like a pinball machine with a high score. i've never had that happen before. and i had one loudly whisper my name on monday at 6 am. it sounded like it was right in front of my face, but i opened my eyes and saw nothing there. i'm wondering why i'm having all this poltergeist activity lately. i don't know if poltergeist is the word, its not bothering me at all. it's not getting in my way or scaring me. its just, there. and i wonder why is all.

here is me in some sun:

photo by Lilli LeGate

gardening

friday i went to anthonys house around 10. we did some watercolors in the yard. we also looked and cooed at the 5 new baby kittens that JanKy birthed last week. so little soft and cute. we named two so far - mud shake & smoosh. i can't wait to hold them. then when tiffany came over at 12 we started to rake & weed the herb garden spot on the hill. we didn't get far but its progress nonetheless. we plan on fixing up the yard real nice this summer.

i went on an hour bike ride with my sister. our legs hurt very bad. but it was worth it and we want to keep doing it more often. i also sorta got some stuff done on an analytical paper i'm writing.. but eh.. its really getting me down..


oh i also let anouk outside.. she loves it. she just prowls arond the garden where i am working at and sniffs stuff and gets spooked when the wind blows leaves around. its really cute. she likes to explore. i put lots of new tunes on my ipod today. i'm still not done tho. just taking a break.

now i'm just ending the day in a not so great mood. just really frusterated with life and squirmy from discomfort. discomfort from not having a whole lot of control over things and wanting to just give up. really irritated at the things that bind me. never satisfyed with what i am or what i have. difficulty getting over things. no end in sight. people who continue to keep giving me advice can just stop because i've heard it and i know. i can say those same things and sound like i know what i'm talking about but that doesnt make what is being said something "that simple" to do. i just want to get everything over with. i want to get out of here. why can't i just win the lotto or something. why is money always the root..



falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus

dosha - TO DO LIST #2

- accumulate merit

- keep criticisms to a minimum

- maintain integrity

- let opposition strengthen your resolve

- never expect to loose

- avoid eating between meals

- downsize, so that you can support your lifestyle with work you enjoy

- lie with your legs against a wall to unkink your mind & body

- live a humble life

- THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES

- use what your have rather than buy new things

- own less

- let go of all content and you will be totally content (bernard gunther)

- safeguard your privacy

- give into neither passion nor sadness

- arrange to go on a hot-air balloon ride

- choose comfort over fashion

- change with the seasons

- express glee

- live with in your income

- empty yourself of greed and grasping desire, the root of all suffering

- make peace with the fact that some of the best people in your life are fallible, unreasonable and sometimes downright annoying.

to do list.

• don't laugh when some one makes a mistake.

• do not despise what you cannot have

• burn candles

• rugged individualism

• loosen your tendency to control

• embrace change

• outwardly go with the flow; inwardly keep your true nature

• keep a record of good things that happen

• determine to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope

• give yourself opportunities to replenish yourself

• choose how you react

• don't make anyone the butt of your humor

• bring awareness to the task of cleaning up

• be calm in the face of someone else's hysteria

• think for yourself

• he who knows he has enough is rich (lao-tzu)

• direct your future

• show affection

• make a list of things that have been bothering you; change what you can & forget the rest

• leave some things unsaid

• good things come from good habits

• exercise discretion

• the less you need the freer you become

• don't try to win the argument; just listen to it

• do not cause suffering to another

• share

• avoid sarcastic remarks

• brainstorm

• do what is right even when everyone else doesn't

• stop spending money frivolously

• have a love story that is still being written..

• know when you need help

• respond from a place of wisdom
  

• LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT

• banish negative thoughts about yourself

• tell the truth and expect the truth