true words

if children live with criticism, they learn to condemn

if children live with hostility they learn to fight

if children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy

if children live with shame, they learn to be guilty

if children live with tolerance, the learn to be patient

if children live with encouragement, they learn to be confident

if children live with praise, they can learn to appreciate

if children live with fairness, they learn justice

if children live with security, they learn to have faith

if children live with approval, they learn to like themselves

if children live with acceptance & friendship

they learn to find love in the world

really into natural occurrences lately.. for the obvious reasons. its just wonderful to know that the earth is alive and letting us know it. however, its not so wonderful when people are being devastated and harmed.. its terrible. i wish there was more i could do than just donating $10 . i wish i had a home big enough to let a family live with me. or i wish i could fly over there and help the kids who are lost and scared. i just feel so helpless for all of those helpless people. i'm sad thinking about it. can't talk to long about what's going on. it makes me really antsy because i can't do anything, like i said.

aside from the sadness involved with natural movements & shifts.. its all pretty amazing and it makes me want to re-take my geology class. it was one of my favorites. i also want to take french class so i can learn french like a real french girl. i feel like such a faker! haha.

storms, earthquakes, volcanoes, tornados... beautiful. i guess from a safe distance of course... but even still. i feel like going back to kansas to try to witness a tornado. how absolutely thrilling and exhilarating would that be ! wow. i've also always wanted to hike on a volcano . kinda dangerous. but how special would that be. everything is so cool in this world. i am itching to get goin to see it all. wish it was possible...

i wish

i wish that

- i could fall asleep on a bed of moss

- people would listen to me

- things were a whole lot easier

- nevada didn't even exist

- i had a special chocolate shop near by

- i had a little bit more money for a little bit more clothes

- i owned my own mac book pro 13 inch

- my hair was longer & that my roots didn't show

- i had my tan back

- roux would stop meowing at me

- my car was a little bit bigger

- i could find a really awesome paying job

- i had an iphone (with out the bill)

- people would buy my earrings from etsy

- the weather was warm & sunny

- i could just disappear

- i could drink this whole bottle of wine with out making a face

- i had my own room

- i was born a unicorn

- god damn it

- that i wasn't falling down the rabbit hole

a LIST.

- a winning scratch card
- scribbles on the calendar
- anticipation of a trip
- a mushroom shaped candle.
- a new room
- a new place to call my own
- a camera bag
- books
- something in the mail
- mermaid memorabilia
- mugs
- some prints 4x6
- feathers , with color.
- some new stamps on my passport
- a different number
- some nail polish that i actually enjoy
- electric outlet covers
- a new lamp shade
- some apples with peanut butter
- my tail bone is out of place forever
- day dream mind
- answers
- something good to come my way
- Luck?
- something to look forward to
- a change in direction
- a reply from India would be NICE.
- wealth
- whatever
- some love , some real love
- frequent flier miles
- a ring
- IDEAS for a creation
- thai food
- loke reunion part 2
- macbook pro
- a serious bike
- some sunglasses that won't break or get lost
- anouk to stop swatting at me
- another kitten
- maybe a lizard or snake
- a bottle of wine
- san fran with meg
- japan with other meg
- an island by myself
- a boat
- a different candle by my bed
- some more pictures with my friends
- a different kinda life.
- an ice cream sandwich
- some new halloween socks
- SHOES!
- a massage
- a zoom lens and a fish eye
- artwork
- summer sun
- soft blankets
- a new tyedye pillow case
- make some new curtains
- god damn it
- a new set of suitcases
- a hypnotist
- going to bed early
- i need to take more pictures
- national geographic dreamin
- a bed frame
- a HAMMOCK!!!
- a journal to write my stray thoughts in instead of using a facebook status
- oh brother
- Nice, France - angels
- some dentyne ice
- a board game
- a new bathing suit . hahaha for real tho
- bank account
- learn to carve wood
- learn to make pottery
- learn some more languages
- get rid of the bug on my wall






.......... wishin on a star.
& puttin some hard work in too.

SOMEONE

Someone who readily takes responsibility for every aspect of their life and knows that if something sucks they are the one that has to change it

Someone who doesn’t let themselves be the victim

Someone not interested in sympathy

Someone who will make time for me if I make time for them

Integrity, honesty, driven, talented, ambitious, confident, attractive, ethical, adventurous, spontaneous, influential, health conscious, independent, creative, articulate, good communicator

Someone who takes time to question things

Someone who is careful with absolutes and the idea of truth

Someone who agrees that there is no better time than now

Someone who is determined to be happy and does not settle for less

Someone who agrees that pharmaceuticals are not the way to happiness

Someone who doesn’t do any illegal drugs

Someone who can handle me being very direct, honest, straight forward – right to the point about nearly everything

I'll tell you why

but i don't know.
its simple and so complicated
i could walk all day on the railroad tracks
but there's much more to it ... than that.




here is my spring addition to my series of "the fence"
i posted the previous photos along side my blog ... (fall & winter)
now i'm just waiting for summer.
oh man i can't wait for summer. so much going on.

i can't wait to be in LA already. do i really have to wait another week? damn man.




my favorite time to drive is early early morning.
there are two beautiful instances i can recall exactly :

driving home from west shore lake tahoe from Martins cabin. driving on that windy road along side the lake before the sun was up over the east mountains listening to Mirah (you think its like this, but its really like this) "suck on my sweet tooth till i'm sore." it was freezing outside. but so clear. my subaru was hugging the road. i was still in my sweatpants . Martin had let me sleep in the master bed room by myself because i drove up for just one night. it was such a nice thing of him to do. I was secretly racing the sun home. i made it home just as the sun was hitting my driveway. i felt fresh that day. up at martins cabin over looking the lake:

my second time was driving home from my one day trip to Yosemite. i drove down to visit Lindsey and we stayed in one of her cabins. we had a fun time that day. swimming in icey water, skipping rocks, driving to see Half Dome, taking really cool photos that night. she came in to sleep in my room because she swore she heard a mouse in her bedroom. it was funny and i miss her. i woke up much much before the sun was awake. as i was heading out of the National park lines the sun was just touching the tops of the trees. i looked back and saw the beauty and the crisp fresh start of a day in that amazing place. long hot drive it was the whole way home. summer time mornings are still hot. i forget that. outside the cabin having fun with light tricks & exposure.

i love driving. i've driven my car so much. it has over 200,000 miles on it now. i've driven all over the place. and i'm still planning on going so much further. Northern lights... portland... seattle would be neat too .

my friend michelle reminded me about this today:
http://www.wanderlustfestival.com/

i am interested in going. however the likeliness of it... low. oh well. at least its only 2/3 hours away so i can go on my own time. i am craving scotland . I NEED TO GET AWAY .
http://www.scotland.org/


i'm also craving hawaii. im thinking of going sometime during summer.

which reminds me,
the bathing suit i want to get:

i really want some salmon this week. and some sticky rice with seaweed flakes on it.
and some chinese food. the least i can do for the lunar new year right? its the year of the tiger ... sam is a tiger. he said its the coolest animal on the chart. whatever, he clearly didn't see the DRAGON. which is what i am. the dragon is the coolest one on there. how silly to think otherwise.

INDIA ++

my books & school work arrived from India the other day - delivered to me in this WONDERFUL package. wrapped in cloth, sewn together, & stamped with wax. & the diamond stitching ... so special, just for a note for customs. Can't wait to complete it all.

My old good friend Amanda and i are driving to Utah on March 4... and leaving march 9th. I'm excited and i can't wait to see my friends. I'm going to be in Jake Garns workshop on the 6th :

http://jakegarn.com/photography-workshop/february-2010/

really excited to be a part of that...


tomorrow i'm going to a Footbath Party... hippie themed. I'm bringing my camera to take photos .. i'll explain everything when i post the photos so you wont all be confused. Then sunday (valentines day.. ugh) my parents are having a couples Bunco party ... i invited my friend gabe to play with me. & my friend Amanda. i need one more person. we'll see. I hope i win the $$ ... heh



This past week i've been really sad & unhappy but on TUESDAY things picked up and now i'm winning at life and everything is happy again. I have my best friend back and i'm pleased. for the time being... cross your fingers it STAYS good.
i really miss the summer time and the beach and the warm sun to warm my soul. I need a vacation an island... maybe spring break i'll break away and live a little. I dont know, i just need to go FAR and clear my head and recharge and get ready for work to pick up again. I've been so dormant from everything for too long... it takes a toll. Never stop livin ... never stop moving and thinkin and doin. trust me

i wish

i was magic

(real magic tho, not tricks)

चंद्रमा / ในแสงจันทร์ /وقال إن القمر

i'm awake. i should be tired, i'm always tired. but for some reason i couldn't fall asleep.

my eyes flickered around when i closed my eyes.
my mind kept thinking of every possible thing that it could.
wouldn't just REST. and slow down.
i couldn't get comfortable. my stomach feels hungry.

the moon is 93% full, descending from a full moon back down to that sliver.. i really don't like this part. it makes my sleep all messed up. only when i take notice of it. which is ridiculous. but true. had i not been keeping track of the moon phase maybe this wouldn't be going on. but it is. and i don't know what to do. i've been reading. but i couldn't stay comfortable and the light was bugging me. tried a different book, i liked it but got tired of it because i wasn't in the mood for it.
so i got on the computer. this loud stupid humming beast.

i waste so much time on here. not as much as other people. but what else can i do. stuck here, no school work yet. work is slow. my creativity is dismal. my funds are exhausted. my friends are all so far away. i've got nothing! its just so ... limiting.

i've been drawing people lately. i've been practicing. i've never been good at drawing people. my drawings so far are just "okay". i'm trying to get better. i'm not brave enough to try to paint a human yet. i've only painted myself and sam. and sam was a failure and i need to just paint over that.. its hard tho. humans are very difficult for me to draw. i see other people draw people like its the easiest thing in the world. so lucky and talented. its hard to transfer my visions and ideas onto the paper or the canvas. so so hard.

lincoln and the countess of moray

weird day ..

today feels like its been going on foreeevvveeerr..

i woke up at 4 , because audra & jackie had to wake up to go to work. they both work at Bean Barn. but, in the mean time sam knew i had to wake at 4 am so he wanted me to call him to wake him up because he had to work at 6. (he is one hour ahead of me) so i called.. no answer. called 2 more times. nothing. i got home and called once more before going back to bed.. nada. i was worried but what else can i do? so i text him and hoped he was awake. i woke up again around 8 and he also was just waking up.

ops! sam .. oh dear.he is in parkcity today. working on a 20million dollar mansion. if i had 20million dollars.. do you want to know what i would do with it? i will SHOW you.

audi a3. need i say more? 105mm 2.8 sb 800 flash 80-200mm 2.8 plane tickets - to: croatia, south america, japan, china, norway, france & egypt.. & thats just for this year. my own home library. i would LOVE this right now. chinchillas.. oh man i want one SO bad. i would adopt & donate more to the world wildlife fund .. i've already donated to the amur leopard & the bison. love i've always wanted my own horses, donkeys & mules. i love mules.. donate to this charity.. as well as tons of others. a honda metro.. so i can ride around with my sammer. california king tempurpedic ... oh YUM

gosh i'd get a lot of stuff. i cant even think of what else. i'd get a lot of little things. and save a ton of it too. i'd get a house in salt lake city. and in Nice, France too. but i don't have 20 million dollars. and i am pretty satisfied with what i have already. so i think thats pretty cool.

outlander

so i am on page 541. there are 850 pages total. i LOVE this book. it makes me wish that it was my life. back in the day. with some brave, handsome, cool scottish lad who loved me. but nope. i'm just in california. with no one who loves me.

i wish men would read this book. and learn a few things. i wish this book would be made into a movie. directed by james cameron. because then it would be really long. but i wish i would be cast as the role of claire. i am too young. but still.

today i am going over to jackies. jackies boyfriend is in canada for a week, so we are having a girls week. it should be good fun. oooh yes. tayler is coming jan 20th and stayin with me until jan 29th. i am sooo excited. we are going to road trip down to san fransisco for a couple days. then back to my house (homebase) and then drive up to humboldt and check it out up there since thats where we want to move eventually. it will be rad. i can not wait to see the redwoods again. YES!

last night i went to see avatar in 3d (for the 2nd time) with gabe sady, megan, lisa, & garrett. the 2nd time around i noticed some cheesy parts and some connections. but over all i still really liked it. and it STILL made me wish i was Na'vi and hate mankind. haha dang.. these are two photos i took at beehive. i love the first one. i just think its random and weird. and the 2nd one.. of course i love it. its black peach tea mixed with black vanilla bean tea. no sugar, cream or honey added.. perfect as is. i crave it. i also crave white peach oolong tea from chinatown in sanfransisco. ahhh im goin NUTz.

this is my blog. and i'll do what i want to.

i have a list of books i "need". i picture myself having many great books and people coming over to my place, sitting down on a couch that is comfy enough to sleep on, grabbing a book from the shelf or table near by and making a note to self to buy the book for themselves later. for me, when i own my own house the decorations will be bookshelfs.. bookshelfs are essential to me. i love my small bookshelf that i have - my greatgrandmothers - that is crammed full of books and knick-knacks. bookshelves not only hold books but they can hold all my gadgets and randoms, which also, is essential. being as i have a LOT of randoms..

another thing that i need to have ... non matching dishes. i don't want dishes that match. at first i did and i liked it. but then, i decided the things in my life need to more reflect myself. and yeah, dishes matter. as long as they have the same basic-ness i guess.. i can't have totally opposite ends of the spectrum in my cabinets. i think i'd like pottery dishes. i'd also really love to take a pottery class that would be so beyond awesome. i already have a small collection of otagiri mugs that i've been picking up from the thrift store. i love otagiri designs.

next point of interest. i'd like a python. a very well contained one, because i can't have my precious anouk being eaten. i would be so mad and sad. snakes don't gross me out. they are so soft and amazing. i would just love to hold it and let it slide around and hang out. sometimes. now that i am saying this i am thinking of situations where i wouldnt be too happy to run into my pet slithering around freely. hm.

a pool and a hottub. with a perfect view of the sky. some shade maybe off in a corner. but who needs it when youre swimming. the hottub would be used mainly at night to relax and look at the stars during meteor showers and whatnot. speaking of, when is the next scheduled meteor shower? i'll never forget watching one with lora & molly 3 or 4 years ago on my back porch.. molly ran to her car to get something and missed the biggest shooting star EVER. lora and i screamed and couldn't get over it and molly was so sad she missed it. always in my memory, things like that.

wet ropes

hold greater weight.

gardening

friday i went to anthonys house around 10. we did some watercolors in the yard. we also looked and cooed at the 5 new baby kittens that JanKy birthed last week. so little soft and cute. we named two so far - mud shake & smoosh. i can't wait to hold them. then when tiffany came over at 12 we started to rake & weed the herb garden spot on the hill. we didn't get far but its progress nonetheless. we plan on fixing up the yard real nice this summer.

i went on an hour bike ride with my sister. our legs hurt very bad. but it was worth it and we want to keep doing it more often. i also sorta got some stuff done on an analytical paper i'm writing.. but eh.. its really getting me down..


oh i also let anouk outside.. she loves it. she just prowls arond the garden where i am working at and sniffs stuff and gets spooked when the wind blows leaves around. its really cute. she likes to explore. i put lots of new tunes on my ipod today. i'm still not done tho. just taking a break.

now i'm just ending the day in a not so great mood. just really frusterated with life and squirmy from discomfort. discomfort from not having a whole lot of control over things and wanting to just give up. really irritated at the things that bind me. never satisfyed with what i am or what i have. difficulty getting over things. no end in sight. people who continue to keep giving me advice can just stop because i've heard it and i know. i can say those same things and sound like i know what i'm talking about but that doesnt make what is being said something "that simple" to do. i just want to get everything over with. i want to get out of here. why can't i just win the lotto or something. why is money always the root..



falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus

change my ways rearrange my days

johannes hevelius*
la femme parallel*


múm & Olöf Arnalds - two beats i enjoy are from there too.

i've been feeling lately like i need to get out of here. i really really need to get out of this apartment. i can't stay here anymore i have to move. which is strange because i love this place. but something all of a sudden just changed and i have to leave. but then what?