lonely together

facebook: i deactivated mine today .

guess that makes me a loser. and a loner. - even more so i suppose.

hopefully some people will come and say hi on my blog more often. email me casstaway@gmail.com more often. text me more. call me more. write me letters more. HANG out more. telegrams. singing messages. who knows. get clever.

today was a sad day. i lost my amber ring.
i never take my rings off
and i took my bosses daughters to dance class. so i was in a new place
i was doing homework. i can't remember if i had it on then.
i went to the bathroom, washed my hands left. noticed the ring was gone
went back in the bathroom, actually went thru the garbage hoping it came off when i dried my hands. no luck
looked in the toilet. its one of those public ones you know... power kind. so if it did fall in there it got swept away for sure.

if it had been in there tho
know that i would have stuck my hand in there to get it, no questions asked.
thats how serious this is.

tomorrow i will look at my house. just to make sure its not around.
i have a feeling it gone.
i cried already.

tomorrow i will go to the shop i got it at and tell him my story
hopefully i can get a new one. he was great to me last time i came to him
with my first amber ring that broke. (sigh)


that is the only photo i have of it. see on my pointer finger? ... beauty. i miss it so bad. i feel naked and weird with out it. gosh i'm gonna cry again




this is my song of the week. it was happy earlier.
now its sad and makes me upset
that's his fault



pretty sure i'm done forever with him.
is something wrong with me?


disco

चंद्रमा / ในแสงจันทร์ /وقال إن القمر

i'm awake. i should be tired, i'm always tired. but for some reason i couldn't fall asleep.

my eyes flickered around when i closed my eyes.
my mind kept thinking of every possible thing that it could.
wouldn't just REST. and slow down.
i couldn't get comfortable. my stomach feels hungry.

the moon is 93% full, descending from a full moon back down to that sliver.. i really don't like this part. it makes my sleep all messed up. only when i take notice of it. which is ridiculous. but true. had i not been keeping track of the moon phase maybe this wouldn't be going on. but it is. and i don't know what to do. i've been reading. but i couldn't stay comfortable and the light was bugging me. tried a different book, i liked it but got tired of it because i wasn't in the mood for it.
so i got on the computer. this loud stupid humming beast.

i waste so much time on here. not as much as other people. but what else can i do. stuck here, no school work yet. work is slow. my creativity is dismal. my funds are exhausted. my friends are all so far away. i've got nothing! its just so ... limiting.

i've been drawing people lately. i've been practicing. i've never been good at drawing people. my drawings so far are just "okay". i'm trying to get better. i'm not brave enough to try to paint a human yet. i've only painted myself and sam. and sam was a failure and i need to just paint over that.. its hard tho. humans are very difficult for me to draw. i see other people draw people like its the easiest thing in the world. so lucky and talented. its hard to transfer my visions and ideas onto the paper or the canvas. so so hard.

lincoln and the countess of moray

why do you like me?

why do people like me? what is it about me that people like? cause i have no idea.

i don't think i'm that cool.. i've always kinda thought i was a loser who made bad jokes, made faces in pictures and laughed at inappropriate things. i'm also kind of rude and i spend way too much time on the computer. (in my defense, i live in the country & i hate driving all around & spending money. plus i am taking online courses.. so back off)

but i really am curious. WHY do you like ME? i want reasons.. i need to compile them and put them in a notebook to remind myself that at one point people actually liked me.. just in case everyone stops liking me for some reason. (see above: 'rude' & 'laughs at inappropriate things')

in the mean time.. while you are thinking of reasons , here are some "behind the scenes" photos of the photoshoot i did with Ryan Muirhead .. this was after the shoot was over and we wanted to take some goofy photos before packing up.

the models : nicole bullard, myself, lianna hartley & alissa sosa

here i am making a face at a photoshoot
... i have no idea what i was doing :

"pouting" i think i am the only one who did it right.. haha :

laughing ! :

no idea whats going on here :

we were tickling each other.. liannas idea.. hahaha :

i can not remember what was going on here.. but it is GREAT :

i'm writing a book

my friend stephanie told me i should write a book. about "circumstances in life". such as dating, nature, utah, how not to let a man step all over you, long distance relationships, etc..

i've had a lot of people tell me i should write a book. it's funny isn't it/? i guess its my way of writing, or my use of the language, or the things i have to say about situations. i just don't know what it is exactly.
i am going to start blogging about what other people would like to hear from me. about anything. ANYTHING. what do you want answered? what do you want advice on? what do you want to know about? what can i say about a subject so you can use my words in your essay that's due tomorrow? what can i tell you to say to someone who has just said something to you? what can i describe to you?

i don't care if i don't know you. if you've never said anything to me before... whatever. just post a comment with what you want to ask me or tell me or blah blah blah. you don't need to have a blogger account to comment on my blog. i've taken the risk of having commenting open to anyone on the web. so have at it.. take advantage of it.

here is what part of my book is so far:

stephanie told me her exboyfriend text her "what are you doing" and i told her that she should respond with "i'm doing something with my life, what are you doing?"


its a pretty good inclusion to my book yes? who cares about ex-boyfriends. they are EX-boyfriends. meaning, no longer. thus implying that you actually don't have to care about them anymore.. yes it's true. you can just continue life with out the miserable failing loser, and succeed while he is still in the same place he was before. forget the past, forget the history, forget it all. because its done and trust me its a GOOD THING that it is done. because who wants some dumpy mean rude uncaring boyfriend? remember that saying "there are plenty fish in the sea" or however that goes? its way true. just tell your brain to shut up and then live some free life...


until you find your upgrade.