gardening

friday i went to anthonys house around 10. we did some watercolors in the yard. we also looked and cooed at the 5 new baby kittens that JanKy birthed last week. so little soft and cute. we named two so far - mud shake & smoosh. i can't wait to hold them. then when tiffany came over at 12 we started to rake & weed the herb garden spot on the hill. we didn't get far but its progress nonetheless. we plan on fixing up the yard real nice this summer.

i went on an hour bike ride with my sister. our legs hurt very bad. but it was worth it and we want to keep doing it more often. i also sorta got some stuff done on an analytical paper i'm writing.. but eh.. its really getting me down..


oh i also let anouk outside.. she loves it. she just prowls arond the garden where i am working at and sniffs stuff and gets spooked when the wind blows leaves around. its really cute. she likes to explore. i put lots of new tunes on my ipod today. i'm still not done tho. just taking a break.

now i'm just ending the day in a not so great mood. just really frusterated with life and squirmy from discomfort. discomfort from not having a whole lot of control over things and wanting to just give up. really irritated at the things that bind me. never satisfyed with what i am or what i have. difficulty getting over things. no end in sight. people who continue to keep giving me advice can just stop because i've heard it and i know. i can say those same things and sound like i know what i'm talking about but that doesnt make what is being said something "that simple" to do. i just want to get everything over with. i want to get out of here. why can't i just win the lotto or something. why is money always the root..



falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus

acedia • \uh-SEE-dee-uh\ • noun
: apathy, boredom

olsen twins.

i've been friends with the olsen twins since i was little. i think maybe 7. i love their style these days, its so easy. i don't pick favorites with anything. and i wont start. but i will say that ashley is more like me. i like her. i wish we could hang out. marykate probably has some pretty good things to say too. maybe we'll hang later.

i bet it would be cool having a twin . sometimes.

i need new sunglasses. and some heels. some good ones.

i also want my hair to be more blonde and not so ridiculous as it has been being lately. its difficult. especially when i NEVER style it. i just let it air dry and then thats that. maybe i should take some time and effort to make it nice. i'll try it tomorrow morning.

i also have no idea why my skin is not so hot all of a sudden. my skin is never annoying. of course. this is typical. right before my vacation & my photoshoot. i shouldn't be surprised. haha cassie. i think its the stress.


i am writing a letter to the New York Times. i'm writing about media bias. it should be good.


i'm dipping my toes into
the pool

just to see
if
maybe its warm yet

but
i don't think
i'll ever be ready
to

go swimming again.

attack is the best defense

last night was karaoke.. it was fun to watch people. i am so socially out of it that all i did was watch people. i didn't do anything. i didn't even dress up cute. i mean i did stuff. i just didn't really hang like everyone else was. i couldn't drink a little bit because of my stomach. i didn't sing because.. just no. i did have fun tho. i saw an old friend from like 4 years ago. its so .. galvanizing. i'll use that word. when i saw him i couldnt even believe it was him and i just tuned everyone/thing out and was like whoa thats .. and i ran over and was like !!! WEIRD! and hugged and departed. and i saw another person there and i wanted so bad to jump up and say hi but i don't know him that well.. i'll mention that i saw him on tuesday. phone#. dibs. it was just so much STUFF last night. i haven't been out in so long. i feel old or something. i really forgot how much i love to be around people. i just forget how to be around them.. i hate it. i wish i didnt get like this.

we forgot cameras too. so there is no documentation of this night. sigh.



i bought two medical books at the thrift store today. one from 1950 called "the modern home physician" the pages/spine of the book smells like my granparents house in france. i like to smell the insides of pages in old books. such a warm smell, nice for me - strange for others i'm sure..





i'm just really way boring. i don't even know how i have friends. i used to be fun. i'm going to blame having the fun sucked out of me on someone that is past tense relation. that, and being worn out from life. i'm only 20 and i'm exhausted. i don't know what to do sometimes. i just want a really long vacation. i'm sort of excited for my utah trip coming up soon. i was more excited but now i'm not as much. its just not as fun as it used to be.




i am ready
for amazing things
to happen to me

i am wide open to luck
and sizzling beauty

i want to have magical powers
and treat people
with a kind of dignity
that changes
how they feel

about themselves

i want my luck to be viral

and to leave a trail of great things

i want all my interactions to transform me
at the molecular level

and all my anxieties to find a home
in the trash

i am ready

ER

i had to go to the er last night. it put me off and set me back. but i can't get stressed about it. everything is oooookay. i skipped my first class to sleep in. i hated having a plastic iv shoved into my skin.. i cried when they gave me pain meds.

acid stomach and/or/maybe an ulcer from stress was the deal. very low blood sugar. weird. i had a horrible pain in my solar plexus - i still do a little bit. i can't explain it. it was sad. i'm glad its sort of over now. sam sent me a pretty photograph of a sunrise to make me feel better. he can be sweet still. & brogan made me a cute little feel better card, such a tender boy. anouk also pet me and licked my nose and cuddled with me all morning to make sure i was comfy and feeling good. i love her.

moving away from that subject -
friday night i am going to karaoke @ powells with a bunch of people. i'm excited it will be a lot of fun.


tired.

current events

http://www.kcra.com/news/18898220/detail.html

this happened this morning. i was in the hallway when it happened. our sweet little eldorado campus? how bizarre.

i got a new camera... an olympus. with the coolest strap ever. works perfect. got it at the thrift store. i've taken one photograph with her & it was of alex & his retainer...

day light savings is giving me a harder time than i thought it would.

dosha - TO DO LIST #2

- accumulate merit

- keep criticisms to a minimum

- maintain integrity

- let opposition strengthen your resolve

- never expect to loose

- avoid eating between meals

- downsize, so that you can support your lifestyle with work you enjoy

- lie with your legs against a wall to unkink your mind & body

- live a humble life

- THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES

- use what your have rather than buy new things

- own less

- let go of all content and you will be totally content (bernard gunther)

- safeguard your privacy

- give into neither passion nor sadness

- arrange to go on a hot-air balloon ride

- choose comfort over fashion

- change with the seasons

- express glee

- live with in your income

- empty yourself of greed and grasping desire, the root of all suffering

- make peace with the fact that some of the best people in your life are fallible, unreasonable and sometimes downright annoying.

bis repetita placent :
the things that please are those that are asked for again and again

started parting my hair on the other side. because it looks nicer and makes more sense for some reason. i had dream that someone was wearing crocs & going to school with me. it reminded me of bryan & our croc jokes. i need to call bryan. fabulous bryan. dj bryanWest. i am wearing my folsom lake rescue education rally tShirt today. i am going to wear it for a week straight.

the world and stars now pass us by

and lead us on to the divine

receiving love from everywhere
our fear dissolving into air.

~~~~

how come i'm always waiting for something? i'm always saying "i cant wait until..." its funny. i'm just really impatient. but really, i can't wait until a lot of things. i need to just relax. its been pouring rain the past couple days, drenched. fresh and clean. i went to the thrift store today - got a couple neat things. two butterflies in frames. i left my other butterfly case in utah so i'll pick that back up when i go out to visit.. in 16 days. saturday from 5:30 till late i am busy on the 21st. garn shoot. can't give too many details about that away. one of those days i have to see natsilly & mikenna.

so obsessed with tagalongs lately. we have a box full of them. bad idea. i keep taking hundreds at a time. i've been working out like crazy lately too. i think i am just going in circles. i've been doing a lot of cardio to work out my legs. my legs are really the only thing that need work. where is everyone? lets talk and discuss lives. in the mean time, here are some tagalongs, a flyer for a rally in sacramento, and ... a cat in a bag