my favorite shape

i kind of fell out of the blog writing groove

i used to be kinda okay at it

and now whenever i get on here im like, 

well shit. what am i supposed to say? 

i guess i'll just ramble on about random junk and hope that captures your attention.

ive been painting my nails dark lately. black is my new favorite. 

i've also started a new book written by Queen Noor... she is such a badass. i need to read about Rania next. 

i am so captivated by real life princesses & queens. 

i seriously day dream about being a queen. 

i mean. i AM a queen.

im the queen of everything. 

my name "cassandra" loosely translates into "queen of everything" in arabic. 

which is perfect since i am also obsessed with arabic culture.

okay but really. thats just urban dictionary. 

they told me that.

but who am i to disagree? 

it sounds legit to me ... 

i think i'll buy a tiara. 

i love a good pen. 

i just recently stole a pen that writes pink. 

i never need to write anything tho. maybe if i would attend college again i would have a reason to write

but college sounds so.... 

FUCK. 

you know? 

i dont know if i can handle that kind of stress again. 

it did give me an ulcer once upon a time. that was painful and really sucked. 

plus i dont know what i want to do anymore. i thought i knew . a long time ago. 

i have my bachelors in alternative systems of medicine. but i dont use it . nor do i care to 

i want to work with kids. and be the boss. 

and i also want to be fabulous.

i have such good priorities. 

i blame it on social media. 

i wish i had better discipline. 

ive seriously said that a million times

i dont know how im supposed to control my bullshit 

when i override myself all the time. 

cassie dont eat that

screw it, dont eat it next time

have all you want right now

then i hate myself afterward

im such an asshole. 

i mean common

youre 24 this year and you eat like youre a 7 year old. 

you cant eat cookies and bullshit and act like it doesnt affect you 

youre getting ugly. people are starting to notice 

if you actually put a box of chocolate chip cookies in front of me 

I WILL DESTROY THEM. 

i am freaking out right now just talking about them. 

carrots. 

damn it. 

well i guess i should go now

i need to go find a snack.

something that wont add to the mass i have clinging desperately to my bones. 

shiiiiiiit. im such a girl right now. 

dont tell me to eat celery. 

i hate the stuff. 

oh yeah, anyone can comment my blog

you dont need an account to do it

so tell me a chocolate chip cookie i can eat with out feeling guilty.

please. 

im just sayin .

______________________

all i want

is a guy with a beard who likes to travel 

and who loves me like nothing else

and a motorcycle 

and some cookies

to see roux one more time 

an anklet 

& to travel around the entire united states 

one day. 

i gotta start learning how to be positive

can someone teach me/? 

probably can't be taught. 

im just not happy lately. 

its hard. 

nothing is going right for me

so its hard to be "positive" or whatever... 

when its a giant mix of things that just suck. 

i need help. 

as in 

a pina colada 

a salmon meal

& a new pair of jeffery campbell heels 

and a hottub

heres to a change of attitude and 

hopefully better luck  - 

oh hey there...

i went to mexico for two weeks

that was awesome. it was crazy beautiful and surreal. 

i was there? what? 

i still cant believe it. 

these are my two best pals from the trip , my car mates , my bunk buddies & the two funniest people ive met in a long long time ... wes & jen. i miss them terribly. oh how i hate distance... well... no... i dont hate distance... i hate not being able to jump across it whenever i want. 

i miss everyone from my trip. they were all my family. love them. 

i swam with sea lions

had dolphins swimming under and around my boat 

saw whale sharks under my boat. a swordfish. flying manta rays. 

dove for clams and ate them. ate raw scallops from the bottom of the sea of cortez

had gangs of bullseye pufferfish following me at all times whenever i went in 

bird watched the most incredible species

slept on cots on the beach underneath hundreds of stars every night

got a mean tan 

and didnt break any of my nails 

so all in all... amazing trip. wanna see photos? OKAY SURE! 

thats just some. i am still waiting for the other photos to surface from other peoples cameras. 

my soul grew larger from being in mexico. 

its a great place. 

so yeah

. i'll leave you with that. 

ops!

ive been so bad at writing!
i keep getting asked when ill be updating  new post
and i keep saying "soon" and "soon" never rolls around...
so finally im just making myself do it.
i have had SO much going on.


i have so much music i want to share
but i cant find it all to post . its all in that "new" stage.
so i'll give you this to start:

had a weekend long ladies adventure with my girls

here we are at VEX in our vip booth. 

jackie, alyssa, jenelle, jessica, me, chelsea & sara. 

so much fun. so much fun in fact, that i cant remember it.

all i remember is i slept in the bathtub. 

and it was comfortable .

went swimming the following weekend with the cutest baby ..

Jeffy! him & i are best friends now. love him forever 

here we are. look at him. just look

hes so precious i adore him.

he sees me and goes "hi cassie!"

with a big ol grin on his face. 

sweetest thing

jason diving on command . 

such funny shots

awesome

audra & her boy jason. 

i am SO glad that they were game to do this for me!

i am so pleased with how perfect they look . 

i love my lifeproof case for my iphone.

baby jeffy. 

sweetest sight i ever saw. 

i made him dive over and over again 

maybe 17 times. 

and he was game. 

thanks for being a MFing athlete jason! 

you make me feel like a fat dump! hahahaha

then i went to brewfest. 

but i lost my ID so i was illegal the entire time

lucky for me, 

i know people who give me alcohol with out needing to see my ID 

because its obvious im 23 almost 24. right? 

RIGHT? 

i wish i looked my age and not 12. 

but see here? there i am drinking Trout Slayer

and Jackie , see her? shes drinking Jamaican Red.

then i went to tahoe for the 4th of july

and here is me and my hair

on west shore (thebestshore) 

it was an amazing 4th

i dont feel like posting photos from that day

because i took a ton. and it would be too hard to narrow it down

so this is the only one im posting

its great , at least

and then i went BACK to tahoe 

and did some amateur fire dancing

and its my new aspiration. 

i think i will take it up when i get back from mexico

i hope i have satisfied all my readers

whoever you are

i dont even know if i have "readers" 

it seems like i just write to thin air

follow me on instagram , i post more there

because its easy. :: casstaway :: 

i'll try to write more . 

i say that everytime 

but i really mean it. 

plans...

i have no clue what to even write about

its all a scramble . 

i did go to tahoe last weekend with 7 girlfriends and we "partied" all weekend for jackies birthday. it was pretty fun. we got a VIP booth at Vex in Harveys , courtesy of jessica. it was great. never been to a club before. dancing is fun. we got lots of photos but i am not gonna post them all here cause just , no. too much work. but this is one of me and jackie that i like a lot 

oh, two more of my photos were featured on TAHOE.com blog. you can check them out here 

pretty pleased. i like having my 'work' featured on things. considering i dont even have my own dslr anymore.. i think im doin alright. i cant wait to have a camera again tho. one day... i'll save up all that cheese and buy myself somethin nice. refurb nikon d3 with my classic 50mm 1.4. why not... i set my sights high ... i may be short but i can always reach ...

im planning on moving to Oahu for sure. i talked to my soul sister of many years (how many has it been? i cant remember) about where and which island to move to... she thinks Oahu would be my vibe. so im just gonna go for it one day. im not worried. i want to move to england after hawaii. dramatic change. but ive always wanted to take advantage of my duel citizenship. and i dont want to move to france til i can speak it better. 

you guys like how long its taken me to decide what i want to do with my life? whatever. i started off with something and then along the way changed my mind and then started a life somewhere else so i got tied up with that... so many paths in life. 

anyway

here are two photos that have nothing to do with anything ive talked about 

me at wrights lake. 

crazy clouds. i couldnt get a good photo to express how strange they were. 

LA...

so i went to LA for 5 days.

for my overview on my trip to mexico. got the lowdown and the need-to-know details. figured out my ride down (headed down in a 2011 subaru outback, style!) and learned that my trip will be made into a documentary by PJ Palmer - which i find appropriate. because cameras dont bother me... most of the time. 

i also did some other things on my trip ... went to the natural history museum with tayler. went and visited my cousin Ali and she did my nails. went to hollywood with brent & holly who are visiting from england. went back to hollywood to go to an awesome show. went to disneyland with two babe'n dudes. and all around... had a good time. 

me at the natural history museum 

the north american animals hall.. 

the only place that wasnt crawling with kids

The Koren Friendship Bell / Fort MacArthur / Seal Sanctuary

in San Pedro. I'd play basketball here any day. 

Hollywood Sign in Bronson Park

& Holly holding a piece of wood.... clever!

Iron Man was protecting me from Brent .. 

I really wish it was Robert Downey Jr in there... sigh... 

Kenneth... the lost boy... 

Kodii ... the funny boy...

showin off our style 

he made me the spoon ring i now wear on my right hand

the one ring to rule them all 

i wanted to be a mermaid...

nymph

mermaid

goddess

audra and i had a little fun with my iphone on saturday.... underwater fun. i am pretty pleased. 

here are some other ones ... its hard to narrow down my favorites. but we plan on taking more creative ones this summer, and even today. i need to find a good website to put all my photography. tumblr.. i guess. i'll work on getting one started and let you guys know when its up. 

we are gonna keep having fun. 

where you going?

whats the rush? 

everyone is frantic to be with someone. 

to be someones something. 

never satisfied with yourself unless you have someone else to be satisfied with you.

never give yourself a break. rush rush rush. hurry and get a partner. 

what? before they are all gone? do we have a low abundance of people or something? 

are we running out of time? 

i didnt get the memo... 

yet somehow i seem to be just fine with that.

most days.

all my friends have boyfriends. i dont get how they do that. 

maybe i'm just totally ruined, or maybe im too picky, or just a huge bitch

or all three

but almost every guy i meet i'm like "ew nope" 

its a terrible tragedy. 

i want my space. my time. to bond with people who are important to me. to nurture my spirit, my soul, my friendships and my life. as hard as it has been for me for the past year. the last thing i care about is "keeping my eyes peeled" for some one who is supposed to make me happy or whatever. hasnt worked at all in my past. my last two boyfriends were the most horrible things that ever happened to me. its a bit hard for me to be optimistic when thinking about myself in another abusive situation. which, for some reason i feel is just what im destined to deal with. which is completely disgusting. but hey, i guess i did their future girlfriends a favor. lets hope if they have girlfriends they dont beat them down verbally, cheat on them, use them and abuse them. bastards. warning to girls: REVIEW THE FELLAS PAST RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE PROCEEDING. you might change your mind and save yourself some serious life. 

the only reason im venting about this is because its like... summer love season... its like everyones got that longing in their eyes. i just dont even give a shit. maybe im just being bitter because no one likes me. ever at all. im too damaged or something. at least i'm happy.

whatever

"good people and bad people cannot exist in any unison. therefore they must split. in doing so the lines are drawn and the truth is revealed about which of those people you are"

i'm glad i am the good person and my ex is with out a doubt the bad. 

i had to vent and get that off my chest. couldnt keep it to myself. i would have exploded. 

i just want to make it clear - i dont hate, dislike or resent anyone in a relationship. it really doesnt bother me at all. i just have this cool thing about me where i just dont care about stuff. really tho.

i need to leave this place... 

too bad i didnt throw a killer look in the right direction. 

after being in a relationship, we need time for ourselves. time of rest. extended time to heal. time for our souls to catch up to us after the whirlwind of heartbreak, anger, sadness and separation. our souls got disconnected. mine still hasnt made its way back, im trying to coax it back to me. id be afraid to come back after that storm. some people, however, i believe dont even have souls. and they will never be happy, feel love or be good. ever.

lying there she made a promise that one day she'd run and find just the man she was looking for 

well she fell in love with that son of a gun, but he was not the man she took him for. 

well he came to town, he came rambling in on a great cloud of dust carried by the wind, oh it wasn't long before he pulled her in and he asked her to come run away with him

he saw a pretty young girl who was ready to run, and she saw the chance she was looking for. 

they headed out west , driving into the sun, and he promised her she was the only one

well, he was a thief and he'd steal just for fun, he'd g cruising around with his little gun ... 

tahoe!

pretty proud to say that two of my photos are featured on the Tahoe.com blog this week! i made a pretty cool contact with an editor and he really hooked me up! thanks Erik !

you can see the blog post here: TAHOE.COM

i'm doing better this week - this week did go by super fast. 

on monday i finally got to experience my dream of DODGEBALL! my friend Dan helped me make it come to life and so many awesome friends came to participate. it was so fun. im still sore...  we got a lot of photos , but these two are the only "posed" shots... thats the original dodgeball team down there , minus a few players (like me, since i was taking the photo) it was so fun and we all had such a good time that we plan on doing it again ... and after other people saw how awesome it turned out im sure they will be participating in it too. success! 

anyways .. its warming up fast. and i am itching to be free. i dont know how im gonna have a summer where i work full time... i'll probably miss out on a lot of fun happenings around town. bummer. oh well... hopefully they wont mind if i show up fashionably late and in scrubs... i hope this is my last summer in placerville as a resident ... i really hope i'll be in hawaii by this time next year. schooling and adventuring. i think i decided my majors ... i think everyone might already know... child studies... duh. it would only make sense. pretty excited to finally know what avenue i am going to take. now if only i could come up with a job i will love for afterward... ideas and input welcome on this subject... 

adios 

ethereal ~*

had a little fun today for a minute

we had to take care of some business and then on the way back we decided the weather and scenery was too perfect to pass up so we pulled over and got creative. i really love making ethereal photos. but realistic kinds... playing with common occurrences and warping them into something that seems magic.

tomorrow my dodgeball fantasy comes to life.... the game is really happening! be there at 6 - lyons park. bring your game face. 

jack of all trades

song of the week ... i just adore this. 

im a jack of all trades

ive always known this about myself 

but hearing someone else say they know that about me 

was like, letting me know that the way i am is okay. 

i got myself a pocket moleskine . 

my therapist told me i should write more. 

for a few reasons. one being that i forget everything. 

so writing my thoughts down will help. 

and second, its my way of expression. of getting it "off my chest" . 

everyone has their own form of expression... art... verbal... writing... whatever. 

mine is personally writing. ive always had a way with words. 

and i do like photography too obviously, but i never knew i was good at it until it was my job for 2 years. 

but ive always known i was good with words. 

but damn it. here i go... rambling... 

im updating my ipod tonight. i got super sick of everything on mine so im freshening up a bit. i posted that nice little number up top that i am fully obsessed with. i just cant stop listening. i'l try to put up a song with each blog post. i dont know if anyone listens to the songs i post, but at least it'll make the blog a little more interesting right? 

i did indigo eye liner today... took a photo of it.

but i still wish i had my old nikon. maybe the next camera i get will be a nice canon or something. i think i want to try canon this time around. with a 50 1.4 .. of course. 

have a good night 

oh hey

i was so close to going to bed just now

but then i remembered i need to write more. 

for a few reasons. 

i sort of forgot what i was going to say.

but i remember one thing.

 everyone wants something else. everyone wishes they looked the way another person did. or had something someone else has. or wishes they could change something about themselves easier. i dont care if you lie and say "no i like everything about myself" or whatever bullshit spews from your mouth on this particular subject. because i'll know you're lying. its human nature. it just is. i swear it. i'll find some kind of specialist just to prove it. 

discipline. self acceptance. benevolence... and all those of things... we need those things, but damn its hard to get those. especially with all this social media and networking and constant overload of photos. im soooo guilty in participating in it. but hey, its 2012. whatevs. its hard for me not to sometimes hate the way i look after i see a girl with a really good looking body, or who is taking the time and effort to eat really well, or who -seems- comfortable in her own skin. it just makes me wonder what the hell im missing. 

personally, i have almost zero discipline. i eat in 5 minutes like its going to be taken away from me forever. i have a gym membership but i get lazy and think of a million reasons to ditch. i put off doing things i know i need to do because id rather sleep or something. i honestly i have no clue how to gain discipline. plus i know that i am the worst at being almost 100% unresponsive to threats, comments or 'encouragement' to do things to better myself. i'm super good at avoiding things. 

and self acceptance. ha wow. yeah that is not fully happening for me. i must be doing something waaaay wrong. maybe its the above statement i just made that contributes to this. i think the rust just came off the wheels in my mind on this particular subject. i can sort of feel them turning and figuring it out a little bit. hm. but still. hard to do. 

and benevolence. i dont really know how i can get over 'envying' girls with better things than me. i mean, i dont actually envy them at all, i just dont have a better word for it. envy and jealousy are not feelings i am familiar with really. however, i do get down on myself when i see a girl with a lucky set of attributes that i completely lack. so its not really envy... its just self pity and crap. total nonsense - i know. POOR ME. im soooo unworthy... 

but sometimes , everyonce in a while, something about myself satisfies me for a minute. and i realize for a brief flicker in my life that i am not half bad and that i could look like a wreck. more of a wreck than normal that is. like today i did some neat eye make up and i was completely stoked on the photo that i took of myself. i was like WHAT how did i manage that and how did i not know that my eye ball looked that good today.  here is a photo: 

it made me feel good about myself. its kind of like a really pathetic way of validating myself. because most of the time i feel like i look really haggard, unkempt and unhealthy. ::: confessions of a 23 , almost 24 year old optician. ::: i dont consider myself 'pretty' when i see all these really pretty girls all around me. and then i pass myself in the mirror and its like good lord how i have not gotten beat up yet. i dont think i'm a total loss, but i think i'm acceptable. am i being vain? me me me me me. I I I I I . i sound like such a chick right now. i gotta stop. 

so i think i probably loose like half of my readers when i post incredibly long blog posts. i'm not really sure. i always feel like im rambling. it try to keep it interesting. i was thinking of stopping right now. but i still have stuff to say. so you'll just have to deal with it. 

i'm craving rice lately. 

i recently had probably the best meal ive ever had ever. 

its called the righteous rice bowl and its from cosmic cafe downtown hangtown. best choice i ever made ... (second to my choice of peanut butter panda puffs with vanilla coconut milk, NOM) . 

basically what it is is this: brown basmati rice, balsamic beans, sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cheese & avocado. -- it also comes with salsa, cilantro & cilantro sour cream , but i hate cilantro & salsa is like a hit and miss thing for me -- so basically its healthy, filling, delicious and nutritious. 

i hope your mouth is watering. i am so excited to go to work 

tomorrow so i can eat my left overs for lunch. for real. 

AND lastly, i saw that once in a life time solar eclipse. and it was probably the weirdest experience ever. mostly because i was thinking about it pretty deep and i also felt super strange when it happened. i felt really funky. must be something to it. i'll research it later. but i was also just thinking about how badass it is that all i had to do was look up and have some ghetto rigged devices to view it and bam, history was witnessed by me. i did drive up to tahoe and hit up east shore for the event , just to make it extra special. but really i could have stayed home and checked it out all the same. its just cool to me how this happened where i could see it. i think only oregon, california, the southern parts of nevada, utah, northern arizona and new mexico and then parts of texas could see it . oh and some of china and all of japan. thats like, a lot of other places that didnt get to see it. so it was really , miraculous. i went up with one of my best friends brooke. it was such a great time. here we are , and here is the views we came across.... after these photos i am signing off and checking out until next time. thanks for reading. oh and if you made it this far, you are allowed to comment. you dont need an account to comment. just sign your name so i dont get a billion anonymous comments. it makes me think to hard and i cant deal with that. 

adios. 

the ring of fire on my hand

me in the forest 

brooke and i viewing the eclipse. 

we had polarized sunglasses on too

brooke and i in the woods

brooke on the beach

my trusty car in the woods

 

the most beautiful scene to lay my eyes on before heading up